旅人

眼神你看进去了读得懂吗但是要来懂得的吗？我们用一段恭敬的距离诉说没什么好诉说的。其实我不想说话，你静待着就好我能感受更多。可是我不懂你啊但我需要懂你吗？言语就算苍白但基本的作用还是有的吧。那天我们忘了时间却过后怎么计算还是真切的三十分钟。飞逝的三十分钟结束以后除了更加迷惘的心，还是令人不解你的目光。

紧接另外七天的等待。

Vicious cycle

As part of the world, I need a break from it ironically.

In any dimension

Attach no meaning no emotion no value-the purest form of everything.

Chaos, stay where you are.

。

梦的色调黑沉。是妈妈，还有无助，和歇斯底里想要解救的心情。都是哭喊，嘶吼。醒来后更疲累。

发生什么事了。压在心头上的重量让我整个人浑噩。

加油

近日来雨天不断。对于死亡还是想不通放不下。为什么离去总是伤心，为什么一定要让人心碎。我只希望朋友你要坚强，我心里莫名地也跟着难过，与死者无关，但关于死亡本身。

又，因为想要踏出comfort zone，又因为机缘接了个爵士的伴奏。我害怕，但我接了。豁出去吧，哪怕搞砸了但至少我尝试过。虽然面子还是很重要，但我答应过自己，把自我放低。

我只是想写点什么。写部落格的时候像是跟自己叙旧。七年前养成的习惯，有什么事情就在部落格里说说。那个不断更新部落格的我也一天一天更新。每一晚醒来以后旧的自己就死去。带到新的一天的是灰烬也是养分。

一些从来不认识的东西，在某个时间点上接触了，被吸引的话便不断在脑子里钻想更深入的认识。我记得小时候学习的过程，很多疑惑又不敢提问，会在很多很多年的某一天，因为一个字眼，从此解答了，有了方向。有答案的感觉很好但很多时候，就是因为问题才会不断前进吧。这些字眼当中，很神奇的可以连贯我生活的方向，教学的方针。这是一种很舒服的感觉。被指引着的感觉。因为常常孤单无助，这些信念成了我更相信自己能够好好走完这人生的因素。然后带着它们，又会很好奇当初没有它们的时候我是怎样的一个自己走过来的。从前，便觉得陌生。其实每个今天都成了昨天后便不再是真实的吧。实实在在是这个当下说了算。我当然还是会因为过错而死抓自己很长的时间不放。但会慢慢减少执着的时间。害怕错误是因为自我放得太大了。

世界很大又很小，
人从哪里来，
去哪里，
我
是
谁。

存在的问题，想想也是不错的，但得边想便实践。想不通还是得继续存在。跟我一样的物种千千万万在同一个时空存在，却也有很多同时后不见了。我们真的那么孤独吗，真的只有一个人来一个人走这个版本的苍凉事实吗。而时空真的只有这个界面吗？妈妈是不是可以看到我？我们是不是从此相见不了。如果更多重要的人持续离开这个时空，我要到哪里去找你们。但其实就算我们很靠近，却也不一定找得到吧。隔住彼此的，未必是具体的距离。

妈妈不断不断的在梦里出现。跟以前一起平常的日子没什么两样。我不知道这样算不算思念。但我有很想见到妈妈的冲动。要不是现在写着，我不会哭。我过得很好很好，怎样能让你知道。

会不会有一天

感觉那么靠近了，却又觉得不可能。你能够再走近一点点吗还是我们的距离，只有这样才刚刚好。

一个人的生活

当日子过得太快想煞车也是理所当然吧。好久没有好好一个人沉淀，时间和金钱似乎被过度挥霍。情绪回跌到低点，大概便是提醒我该调整一下作息了。并没什么特别不开心的理由，跟之前发自内心的喜悦一样。这就是我真正不受外界影响的情绪吧。反正都会过，我静静地等待就好。

当下再难过，把自己抽离，把镜头拉远，真的有什么那么重要呢。继续不断生活。分秒尽力过。

无常一次又一次地救了我。

|把双人床送走，换了张小小一张床褥，得到跟宽阔的空间。感觉想把心房空出，留给更多自己。

The Good Dinosaur

How much can I stretch myself, with more courage to conquer fear and anxiety?

I love Spot : )

好像都够了

回到当初，因为一个人的招呼，一个人的笑容，一个人不经意的善意，而开心。

心房塞满温暖！

虚实

偶尔会惊觉一直以来所碰到的人事物，除了是一连串的决定铸成的，也多少有点命中注定的因素。每一次新的人走进生命，随时间变旧了。有些还在，有些消失了，又有一些还未遇到。而每一段关系而机遇，都存在着无限的可能。多有趣啊。我到底因为什么，来到这一步。

然后会有那么一刹那，眼前所有变得陌生。我成了独立的个体，跟谁都无关。陪着我的，一直都是另一个我。倒像是，我和自己并肩出游，一起玩一起打妖怪。

我得睡了。梦境又是另一个现实。

独白

生活重心再次回到音乐。拼命的过程会伴随着一种言喻不了的瘾，一直无法停止去争取，去攀更好，去让自己我自己的进步而骄傲。说到底人生其实也没什么目标，有想做的事就做，没有特别想做的顺其自然也罢。我是觉得，反正死前都是些无聊的事，倒不如干点让自己开心又能力所能及的事。每一次成了一桩事，便又把极限往高推一点。

过程啊很重要吧。比结果重要。因为从来，前因后果尽是在灰色地带里，也执著不了什么。虽然过程也不都是完全能掌控的事，但每每有选择的话还是尽量选些能让过程更精彩的的选项吧。

我只知道如今一定要让自己好过，难受的时候也得想办法哄自己。容易受伤害，但也容易开心。这样的自己挺好照顾的。心里的小孩似乎渐渐长大。而且长大了比以前更简单。

关于感情，我说的不一定是爱情。其实嘛大家相亲相爱互相扶助，这生活不就更容易过吗。当然偶尔管不住太多的情感，一个不小心还是会陷入自尊心玩的把戏。然后心又碎了，然后又要自己舔伤。但人人都有自己说不出的坎吧，似乎大部分人都在填补空虚，所以不被喜欢的话也不用怎样悲催啊，只是需求分配不搭，绝对跟自身的价值无关。又，本来爱情都是盲目的，再坏也有人喜欢，再好也不见得就有人欣赏。然后又其实，人本不该有好坏之分。都是人，都是需要努力的生物。

能够遇见已经是很有缘分的事了。谁会下车，谁又会上车呢？

新年快乐

我不断地在担心被讨厌的循环里。就算努力摒除这样的想法却还是一样。能够真正自由的路还远。

新年第四天，便有不少挑战旧伤的事。比如爸爸，感情，成就。当然这一次处理得更好，情绪也不会过度被影响，但还是希望自己有一天能够全然摆脱这些。

昨天旧伤口崩开，好在房东的一顿餐和愉快的谈话减缓了许多。然后回到房间，像一年前一样在书里找答案，然后轻轻地让自己入眠。那种心痛后的豁达，但却有隐隐有刺痛的感觉又回来了。加油啊自己。

今年被问到关于展望的事，脑子一片空白。我只知道我依然要练无我，无惧和爱。其他的便都自然会好。

第一天

昨夜安静地独自跨年，心里平静，有些舍不得2015的结束。虽然还是有不够努力的时候，但我为自己能够照顾好自己而骄傲。过去总是依赖却不自觉，自己的心情硬是要人家负责。因为狠狠地被逼失去，才能醒觉。从当初的怨恨，愤怒，愧疚，至今的欣慰，感恩和喜悦，一路来一点一点的放下没有营养的情绪到最后，人轻松多了，便开始找到更多能让自己开心的事。未来肯定还有更大的挑战，我也许还会倒下，但我相信这样继续装备自己，我能坚持更久。然后倒下了再站起来，又是更加强壮的我。

两位亲爱的你们已经离开我的生命了。还是会遗憾但却也全然接受了。大部分的你们依然留在我身边，生命里也多了一些新的你们。我无法预料何时得再分离，但现在的一切一切，你们的存在我非常非常的珍惜。真真切切地体悟到关于人生驿站的说法。相遇和分离根本无可避免。我们在这世上也都只是旅人，来过了也就得离开。不用花一辈子的时间去争一些不真正属于自己的东西。坦坦荡荡地，认真地游戏这场人生。乐与苦，终究会烟散。

接下来的日子，我得学会臣服。这是2016最大的功课。

Self importance 2

Perceived reality is not necessarily the truth itself. Be open and see things in different perspectives. There's always unknown dimensions waiting to ge discovered.

Self importance

Give and take gracefully. Don't take self too seriously.

Answering my search for calling

Teaching has been what I'm doing most of the time. I know I like it. And I am just avoiding it and escaping from feeling bad when I am imperfect. I thought I would be perfect and be someone who knows everything. It's the perfectionism that causes me not accepting teaching as my calling. And I can't accept that I can only teach.

Also, beating my anxiety and mood swings when teaching will be one of my biggest thing to solve.

Surrender 2

Perfectionism is just an extension of ego that is trying to hold onto too much and fear of accepting things as they are. It's not really about having higher standards.

Be humble and accept flaws, so that there's room to improve. Trying to be perfect is not bringing me anywhere. Don't waste the energy trying to be perfect.

Surrender

Letting go the need to control, to be understood and to explain.

Setting an intention that's true to myself before doing anything, then put in my best effort and let the rest flow by itself. Accept any outcome as how it is.

Love myself, be compassionate to myself and all others.

Be present, be in flow.

Act, don't overthink.

We get lost sometimes and that's okay.

Yay I survived!

December is one of my favorite months for many reasons. I didn't know that I could have this year being so meaningful and colourful. Having less fear and new ways of perceiving things and people amaze me a lot, giving me totally new experiences and makeover of myself and my life. Now with more gratitude, calmer heart, more passion. And also curious and ready to take any challenge in the future. There's still time i might not be ok, but it's all going to be fine. : ) sounding too positive sometimes intimidate myself, but I guess I really take a great step to improve my overall well-being. Doesn't sound like old me anymore. ^^

Merry christmas and happy new year to myself and all my loved ones.

又一课

每一段人事物都是心里的投射。都只是一种诠释而非真相。放下只需要一瞬间，伤不是别人害的。是自己硬要扛着过不去的不可能的。

我重新出发，让生命自然流动。

我无处可逃

多么不想承认自己就是不够坚强，始终会倒下。这样的自己总是让自己讨厌自己，最后所有人都会远离自己。谁会愿意靠近没有作用的人。我为什么得不断地证明自己的价值。我明明已经累了，明明想放弃，为什么还要假装自己没事。有一天我真的完全没有贡献，是不是全世界都会遗弃我。

就那么一瞬间，本来抓紧的东西，再一次不再对我有价值。本来也没什么是重要的。我不断被人放弃。现在连自己都放弃自己了。为什么总要那么努力去争取才会不被放弃。

一点一点的放弃。

So its really not easy

I need a sleep I need someone to talk to desperately, yet I don't want to. I am so helpless and hopeless, again. When will this cycle stop. Please stop.

What do I need to get better

I can't remember when was the last time I feel such serious anxiety. I hope everything will be fine after the exam. I can't even tell the underlying reason of this unpleasant feelings. Is it merely because of the exam.

It's been years I have problem dealing with my mood swings. But why I can't recall such feelings that I am experiencing now. It is so strange and new to me.

.

How do I interpret my gut feelings to instruction of what actions need to be taken

温暖

轻轻的问候已经够了。

Now I feel better

The diagnosis is not necessarily a cure or solution, but more like a relief for my guilt for not doing well enough.

^^

在路上被电视节目作弄，现场听爵士歌手歌唱，参加静心的课程，被自闭的孩子紧紧地牵着手，为纠纷当调和员，第一次晕倒，再次心动而紧张的感觉。

从最初的犹豫，到后来坚定的立场，一路上纠结了很多黑白灰的事情。到最后其实，原来都没有必要想那么多。只要勇敢，有爱也就什么都无憾。

当日子越来越精彩了，心能够容纳更多不一样的人事物。好多的第一次，紧张，好玩，新鲜。豁出去更多，更勇敢。我希望自己能保持开放的态度继续游戏人生。活那么一次而已，想做什么就做什么。

同理心

自己内心要够强大，才有真正善良和宽容的能力。

流动的爱

没有界线没有规矩没有形式。像河一般流动，不再被捆绑。我遇见了你，看见不一样的世界，原来我们可以更真诚地对自己和别人。心可以很广阔，在你身上找到了自由。

束缚自己的，从来只是自己狭隘的观念和放不开的信念，还有恐惧和自尊。

.

Studying is so de-stressing. No emotion involved, just calmness.

busy days

there's not even enough time to reflect myself, days are gone so speedy and I am losing control. or shouldn't I just let go of controlling, but to enjoy being lost again at the moment.

too much of promises. too much of commitments. too much of outings. to much of goals. guess its time to let go some of them, so that i have quality time for things and people I really value. its fun to meet different people or to blend in a circle. but that's challenging at the same time, to what extent I can stay true to myself and the others, without being misunderstood. or actually there is no need to be understood. maybe this is the right time to solve my problem of self hatred. seeing myself doing things i want to but dont allow myself to. acceptance from other people may not be as important as i think.

i know self love is what i need all the time. to accept my flaw with compassion, and only to seek the pure true self in me. need not fear of being judged or misunderstood. (though I hope no matter how you will understand me ).

this is so random i cant even organize my thoughts. well another phase i am going through. this is a state and its not going to be permanent. : )

Embrace the flaws

Hold the urge to do or say anything to feed the ego. Reflect what's the intention behind every action and word. Be honest and transparent, so that there's no burden anymore.

Reminder

I realize that when it comes to some very memorable moments I tend to not staying present enough to appreciate, but thinking of how to create more of that moments. And in fact non of these can be recreated. I'm reminding myself not to crave for any good moments but to wholly stay in the flow.

Reminder

Recharge

Being an introvert can't be forever an excuse to stay within comfort zone. There are a lot of amazing people out there to meet, to get inspired and to learn from.

Life motto is getting clearer. Though not really firm of how to achieve what I want, but I'm getting there.

Whenever stuck, withdraw self from the situation. See the big picture. Be fearless of getting lost in life. There's nothing more important than to love in life.

吴哥窟

又一趟旅程，带回了新的感受。回到家，又是一股要努力生活的动力。

。

做了决定全凭一刹那的冲动。害怕是一定的，但也许我真的该出点力，有没有成果都好。

Self--no self

Days getting more occupied by projects, students and outings. While I definitely very appreciative of my previous peaceful days where I can really live a quiet life just indulging myself into books and music. But I'm ambitious on the other hand trying to prove myself of my value and worthiness through results and things I do.

a problem finding balance between accomplishment and simplicity. I know I want to achieve not just for myself but also to impress people that I value. Of course at the same time I feel good about what I'm doing now. Only that things are too overwhelming now and I have to admit that I can't take in so much. It's so hard to admit my weakness. I thought I'm always strong.

My sense of self is getting incoherent. Self doubt and self hatred at times, but also narcissistic and proud occasionally.

。

再次考验自己。请记得不断做更好的自己，而非比较。不需要自卑，不需要难过。

--------------------------

距离，怎样才是刚刚好。

--------------------------

身不由己。但愿我能够成熟应对。希望没有解释的必要。

..

No matter how hard I try, I will still eventually attach myself to certain beliefs, person, personality to create the ideal sense of identity that I wish to project to other people. Underlying might be the inferiority that I'm not good or worthy enough to be liked. I am always seeking acceptance. Occasionally I tend to be carried away in conversations, and mindlessly react, or say something that I think I shouldn't say just to feed the ego in me. I hate myself particularly for this, because its kind of destroying the sense of perfect and ideal self, and that makes me feel so rejected, by myself.

It seems like the burden of the personality I wish to achieve is affecting me a lot. On the other hand I understand this is actually a reflection of being too self centered. Intellectually I know what's going on in me, but I seriously need a more concrete solution for this.

Chill

I guess I need a break from informations. Never really have time to digest. Complexities are growing and it's overwhelming. The compulsive thinking habit is getting worse.

: )

I am in a very deep peace right now, so contented with life at the moment. But I know I shall forever move on and never settle down, when it's time to leave. Impermanence is a force that keeps me moving, and now I come to not just realize, but experience innately myself that, you change, the surroundings change. And there's always a more suitable relationship between you and the surroundings, at different time. There's nothing to grief, over loss or failure.

But i believe, there's always the one meant to stay, where it changes at the same pace with me, and will be forever a match at different level different time. Be it a dream. Be it a person.

Though mood swings are still happening from time to time, but I'm coping better now. Anyways life is an endless learning journey. I'm still craving for more knowledge, still searching my calling, still fighting the fear and ego, still learning how to love people and nature in the right way, still improving my living standard. Yet, in the process of becoming, I will keep reminding myself that no matter how, the present is the only time that matters, and be grateful for everything as it is.

凡事自有它的节奏。

^^

说不出心里的喜悦，可是我记起了这样的感觉。

果然谁知道明天会怎样。

无端端又无辜地，(怀疑)长智慧牙，牙肉肿得不像话咽口水都艰辛。莫名地身体某部分就这样伴随着陌生的痛，感觉很奇怪。一个人见牙医也是没有过的事，怕得要死，但总得克服对吧。

又，忽然有了个圆梦的机会。一切发生得，好突然。日子能再怎样演变下去呢？: )

伤心咖啡馆之歌

Met this bunch of socially awkward people comforts me a lot. They all communicate in awkward ways, which I find myself needless to fit in, and can be as odd as I wish. That's being myself. No judgement, no explanation, no hurt feelings. : ) just understandings and acceptance no matter how flawed you are.

Self reminder

Its said that what caught your attention out of so many randomness is your own intuition, without much conscious thought of what and why. I remember what leads me here, the very first book that I picked during the painful times. And things slowly change and making sense themselves, from everything that happened to what's still going on now.

Instead of accomplishing so-called meaning of life, why don't just live the life. And along the journey everything will be unfolded easily, without the restraint pain from reality and expectation of fooled mind. Accept and welcome anything that comes, and respond with the best you have. Don't set yourself in a certain dream based on your limited ability. Always try the best for every little moment and that will definitely lead to your greatest potential.

Self reminder

Surrender to uncertainties and unknown, and set myself free. Be humble and always ready to admit that we cant take control of everything and we are not able to predict or assume any condition or situation, given our very narrowed filtered perspectives and knowledge. Be in flow, and respond only when there's options.

Impermanence is seemingly interesting to me now. And I'm taking on the challenge, to make life a game.

.

I think I'm closer to my own spiritual path. It feels more "right" now, or less awkward. But I will need more time, to clarify more, to feel more easy about it. Then it will be the time.

摘自Zen habits

Sometimes you just aren’t motivated, maybe you’re feeling depressed (as opposed to full-blown clinical depression), maybe you just don’t have the energy to focus on work.

We’ve all been there from time to time, and the good news is, we’ve all climbed out of this funk to some degree.

I’ve found there are two main factors to finding yourself in Funk Town:

You have low energy, from a lack of sleep, overwork, an illness, or overdoing the exercise (you know who you are).You get into a negative thinking spiral — one self-doubt leads to another, one bad thought about your life leads to another, until you no longer believe in yourself.

These two factors often work together — usually when I’m jet lagged, or just went through a family crisis, or am severely sleep-deprived, I start down the negative thinking spiral.

Here’s the first thing to know about how you’re thinking during this slump: don’t believe any of your thoughts.

That’s because your mind, when it gets tired and negative, enters a childlike state — not the “let your mind be childlike and playful” kinda childlike, but more like, “Gimme what I want or I’m gonna throw a tantrum” kinda cranky, selfish, petulant child. This is not your best self, but a self that is suffering and just wants to be comfortable. That’s completely understandable.

Here’s the next think to know about this slump: You shouldn’t listen to the urges and thoughts of the childlike tantrum-throwing mind when you’re in Funk Town … but do listen to the needs. Your childlike self wants to rest, doesn’t want to do too much work, is tired and maybe needs some comforting.

Comfort yourself when you’re suffering. Not with food but with love. Give yourself rest when you’re tired. Make fixing your sleep a top priority. Go to bed earlier, turn off all screens, let yourself unwind, meditate while in bed, make sure there’s no TV or other lights on, and get some great sleep.

Weirdly, it also helps to get active. Take care of sleep, and don’t overdo your activity, but if you’ve been working from home or stuck in an office a lot, it’s often better to get your body moving — go for a walk, play a sport, do something active with friends.

A third thing to know: When you’re in Funk Town, don’t believe what your mind thinks about yourself and your work. It will say, “I don’t want to do that!” or “I can’t do that” or “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t care about that anymore.” None of that is believable, simply because the mind that’s saying these things is in a state of panic and fear and extreme discomfort. That’s not a believable mind.

Instead, notice these thoughts, then tell yourself, “I’m just suffering right now. I’ll figure this out when I’m in a calmer state of mind.”

Once you’re in a calmer state of mind, feeling better, then take assessment of your work. You might find you still love it, or if you don’t, you might calmly find another path that’s even better.

A fourth thing to know: It helps a lot to talk to someone else, who has an outsider’s perspective. Talk to a friend, a spouse, a parent, a co-worker, anyone. I can’t stress this enough — don’t be too proud to reach out for help.

A fifth thing: Once you’ve taken care of your rest and your health, you should do some work. Not a ton, but some. Put in some diligent effort, get a little done. Just enough to feel good that you did something.

It also really helps to start clearing your plate a little, if you’re overloaded. Start saying No to work instead of Yes all the time, as a friend of mine did recently when he was in Funk Town, and you’ll feel some relief.

Finally a sixth thing to know: It’s OK to be in Funk Town now and then. We all do it, so you’re not alone at all. It’s human to go through ups and downs, to not always be on a high of amazing psychitude. We sometimes doubt ourselves, sometimes get really tired, sometimes suffer. Don’t worry about being in Funk Town. You’ll get out of it, and because of your experience in Funk Town, you’ll be stronger and wiser and ready to take on the next challenge with renewed gratitude

Fight

Just because I care, so I want to be perfect. But there's no perfection. And when I care too much, everything falls apart. I know it's about ego and fear again. Almost root for every flaws.
Regrets and guilt are just unhelpful burdens. But I can't help judging myself for every words I have said and every decisions I have made. Where is the self compassion I have learnt. I should know that the past me doesn't define the real me.

This endless struggle shall stop. I just want to be the self that I truly adore.

Ok. I know this is just one of the phases I'm going thru. Things will be fine. Its always one step closer to achieving Zen mind after the lower times. I guess each transformation and transition are always hard times but meaningful moments.

。

渐渐觉得越来越多无法和别人沟通的心思，没什么需要被解释的。就算说出来的也表达不了要点。虽然孤独但一点都不寂寞。只求有一天，能够找到不让我突兀地存在的群体。

Phases

其实清楚知道自己过了最平静的阶段。开始不受控的有野心，傲气，自尊，开始静不下来聆听自己。但这样的我充满活力。先学着接受这个阶段吧，虽然不太喜欢自己这样。这都是我一个人注定要经历的。

能够找到永久的宁静，无惧，无我是我最大的目标。但恐怕得更加用功。

继续游泳，练无惧。
继续练琴，练无我。

加油啊自己

放工后偶遇朋友。因为被鼓励的关系，便接下了挑战弹自己想弹的音乐。又刚好受到两场邀约的独奏，虽然不算是严谨的场所但对我而言算是极限了。这一次，我豁出去了。要不然，永远都无法突破。

*这让我更加相信，对的时候，会有对的人，领着我去对的方向。凡事无需过早担心。等待的过程尽力养精蓄锐，时机到了就派上用场。

。

能力和所得，如果无法回馈在帮助别人，便失去了光彩，也无意义。

不断不断提醒自己怕自己不见了

两年前告诉自己30岁以后我的人生才正要开始。因为逼不得已的状况，倒促使进度比预想中的快。其实我们真能掌控的有什么呢。除了一些大小决定(而决定时的情绪也不完全能自己控制)，其余的都得顺其自然。好好的做好现在该做的事，不着急。

但无论如何，世界怎么变，我一定要记住自己的坚持和梦想。

随笔

曾经害怕忘记到需要不断列单不断记录，但现在已经能够容许自己忘掉一些小事而不自责。一方面日子开始忙碌起来，也无法抓住太多东西。而且发现，被忘掉的事情，原来会在适当的时候提醒自己。

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Words are powerful and redundant at the same time. 但在最近的情况，言语都显得苍白无力。

满腔热血！

发光发热的人们，让我感慨生命短暂，所以该用最大的努力燃烧自己，才不枉费此生。

?

Not sure if its an illusion that sometimes I can feel what mama felt before, during times I wasn't even born yet. I'm feeling a stronger bond and connection with mama. Be it real or not, she will be in my heart as a guardian leading me to a brighter direction.

*I'm experiencing some feelings that is too vague to even label. What else can express the direct naked feeling, precisely. Words are redundant in this case.

Feeding my passion and curiosity

Now that time is precious and I can't afford to waste any for distraction and interference from my emotional turbulence (there are some helpful feelings that boost my productivity and creativity though). Please be good till november. I'm loving the tranquillity, at this moment. I know its going to be transient. All emotions are. But let me just hold on to this as long as I can.

回家

回家总是更深一层拉扯自己的经历。依然是面对着父亲无法自拔的怨恨，我又差一点站不稳立场了。幸好毕竟给心理上作了调整，算是熬过了又一次的坑。

回到自己的人窝，心理踏实。跟音乐更靠近了。目前最大的精神寄托就是学习。

后记: 我说不出对老友，你们的情感。深深地感到庆幸，你们一直都在。

考试运快快到来！

拼成绩的野心来了！考试的时候总是有不懂哪里来的信心嘻嘻。我不想只是及格。😀

Nice to meet myself

从眼窗看出去的许多画面，无论多久以前依然历历在目。这个不断长大的我，到底是谁。会和我相伴一生的，就是这个自己吧。除了我，谁能看我看到的，感受我感受到的，经历我经历到的。

和自己相处的时间从来不无聊，也不孤单。^^

在脑子里转

人的生活方式形形色色，我除了好奇还感到惊叹。自己的生活极为轻，简。虽然非常喜欢，但有时候还是会想要探讨生活的另一个角度，用一个全新的自己过日子。

不过时间还没到吧。我把现在过好，该来的，总会来的。但无论如何，忠于自己的内心始终最重要。得不断提醒自己，做的每一件事都不要让自己有后悔的机会。凡事，尽全力。该放的，就要放。

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一路走来我都会时刻解析自己。以前总以为自己非常了解自己，但现在才发现我还可以更不一样。一直以来我都关注着内心的活动，我想我该开始连接外面的世界。但无论如何我一定不能被carried away。

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曾经觉得自己的敏感除了让自己不开心也给人麻烦以外便一无是处。但原来我可以把它当成一种能力，去帮助不被理解的小孩，或者一些迷失的人。自己本来就不是什么有才干和财力的人，但能够在能力范围内做些有意义的事，就够了。

哪怕自己只能够让一个人的生活好一点点，也都要尝试去帮助。

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弹钢琴的时候，又感觉到新的触感和听到新的声音。虽然有点迟开窍，但一步一步慢慢探讨也是不错的。这样人生就不会太闷，什么东西都一早全懂。

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我又失眠了，但绝不是因为情绪什么的。其实让我困扰的，是这样下去我会很快变老的。

Give and take

每一段相遇都是一份礼物。但除了会给与，接受也不是简单的事。

^^

遇见一些温暖热情的人。又是件该珍惜的事。

个体

世间重要与不重要的事很多。对我而言，情绪，爱，善良，音乐，生活，很重要。

我不会在因为自己的多愁善感而感到羞耻。也不再责怪自己不够理性。我本来就是这个样子。只要不伤害谁，我都得把赐予我的特质让它发光发热。

<3

到这个阶段又发现新的自己。忽然觉得，爱情得自由，得流动，人才算活过来。有时候真的不一定关乎关系。

能够不因为什么，静静地喜欢就好。能够紧张，能够在乎，能够感受到心的温热，能够不顾一切，能够把ego丢到后头。

其实不一定什么都得看得太重。人与人之间有爱就好。什么形式不重要。只要把心打开，不怨恨，不躲藏，不害怕。

Move on

: ) 感觉很好。

再见了

不想让自己再因为你而情绪不稳定了。但我很珍惜你曾经对我的好，庆幸是你遇上最糟糕的我依然愿意和我在一起。从你身上学了好多，也因为你我变得坚强而成为今天我相当喜欢的自己。我愿意放下不再苦苦缠着你了，只希望某一天你会能和我好好说话。我不愿失去你。你说过要成为一辈子的朋友的。我已经不是几个月前的我了，你可以放心我已经可以好好面对我们目前的关系了。

请你好好疼爱自己，也成为自己喜欢的自己。

Self compassionate

我其实不必要强迫自己成熟起来。我也能偶尔幼稚，偶尔犯错，偶尔做一些蠢事，偶尔不开心的，偶尔不稳定，偶尔自私。

六月

五月忙着外出，耗了不少精力，也在很人相处中，忘了沉淀自己。六月要好好静心了。我不喜欢五月的自己。

不那么好的某几天

这两天不太顺心。可是都过去了，而我也在最生气的时候控制了想说的话。当然都不是太重要的事，随便气气就算，才能保持年轻。

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睡眠时好时坏。好像又循环回低潮期，开始难受。但是每一次的难受，都比上一次好一点点。: )

Toxic workplace

Giving in one more time, for myself. I'm going to quit if the toxicity continues. The decision is going to be painful. I know the only thing I hardly can let go are the students whom I brought up from their very first lesson.

Let's see how it goes. I have to make sure decision is only made when I'm not angry or emotional. I have to handle it very professionally this time.

。。

总会有些时候急躁又烦闷，说不出什么原因。我其实也没能做什么，只能乖乖地等着这样的难受过去。换作从前你还在的时候，心情不好就是要你帮我分担。我总不能不断依赖。有些时刻要一个人经历和感受，才会成熟。快点快点快点长大。我要撑起自己。

后记：短发如想像中，蓬乱。不过我还挺喜欢的。

时间

我以为过不去的时刻，都一一过去了。反正以后再困难的事，都得控制自己。

一切都会过去的。

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不再想回到过去，之所以会是今天的局面，自然是有从前不够牢固的地方。但我会带着从前值得怀念的美好，延续到未来。我期待我们有更值得期待的未知。

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失去了从前，也掌握不了未来。所以把当下的小瞬间过好。

N次重新开始（跌倒了总要爬起来啊）

把房间的摆设稍微调整一下，腾出更多的空间更整齐更宽敞。心情也随之明亮。明天剪个清爽的短发以后，大概该整理的都整理好了。

回到丑丑的从前

打算不再听别人的意见，把长发剪了。就算不好看，也还是我。我本来就是个丑小鸭。=D

515

收到许多珍贵且用心的祝福。这样的温暖我都收到而且格外珍惜。虽然表达不了心里的感动，但我会尽力去经营每一段难能可贵的关系。

开心之余心里其实还是有个填不了的大坑。我知道这是我必定要经历的事情，才会真的成长。才会懂得经营有质量的感情。不坚定的时候，一定得随时提醒自己，耐心地等待。绝对不能够害怕，绝对不要放弃。虽然收不到你的祝福，难免失落，但我不生气，也不怨你。希望你一切都好。我在这里安静地等你。

以往种种的过错和悔恨，希望今天以后慢慢放过自己。说过的话，做过的事无论如何也追补不回，我只能在接下来的日子，都尽力做最好的自己。

。

睡前大哭了很久，然后在梦里跟妈妈说了很想说的话。她跟我说: 凡事好好面对。

醒来后心也就亮了。是我日有所思也好，妈妈真的托梦给我也好，在我迷失的时候她的一句话就够了。

。

妈咪你过得好吗？

我到这里了

渐渐地喜欢跟自己相处。也慢慢地学会放松。伤心的时候大哭，开心的时候一个人走在路上也想唱歌，平静的时候心很宽，思念的时候尽情回忆。情绪依然起伏不定，但不再强迫自己压抑。这样的日子过得很快，不怎么执着于特定的方向前进，反正把每时每刻尽力过好，我肯定就一直快乐地前进。

回首看一个月前的自己，甚至是一个星期前的自己，都觉得自己的改变很大。未知让我越来越好奇。无论如何我知道，我做最大的努力，为任何一种未来做好准备。不再害怕。

就像教学生一样，有时候需要的，只是耐心地陪伴他们度过还未开窍的时候。我也得耐心地等待自己成熟的一天。

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说说音乐。似乎感受不一样了。没有了程式化的弹法，我终于听到了自己的声音。

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我有一位学生，只有八岁，却有着成熟的音乐性。但我心痛她不被父亲支持。我很想自己为她买一架钢琴。但这样做会不会越过界限了。无论如何我一定要尽力为她争取。成不成就不是问题，反正我知道她看到的世界会因为音乐而有所不一样。

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想知道的好多好多。脑子里问题好多好多。每一天都为自己找到各种解答，都很满足。

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最近把金钱和烹饪都当作浪漫的事了。

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其实把人生当成游戏果真就不再那么执着。倒是激起了我的好胜心，再难我都愿意挑战。就那么一场人生，我是一定要赢的。

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妈妈在心里成了影像。看见她的各种形象，感受她的各种感受。有时候我似乎感觉到我就在经历着妈妈曾经经历过的情绪。我觉得自己就是她。她曾经那么坚强，我一定也会一直很坚强。

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清理 -- 简化 -- 维持。目前生活上最大的目标。

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完美主义偶尔挺实用的，却也常常是阻扰。