转圈圈吧哈姆太郎
最-喜欢的-东西
是～向日葵的种子！
Mulu Cave 26-29/6/2016
一路上忙着摄取美丽，大部分时间尽情地享受，也很努力地想要记下所有的摇撼我的景色体验和感受。但无论文字言语或照片都无法全然描述。
有一些时刻，特别美妙难忘。
看见像星星一样穿梭在夜里的森林的萤火虫
真实地听见森林的声音
在大自然里的好眠好梦
在洞里感受目前最黑的黑暗
见识到当地人和大自然和睦共处的能力
在河里戏水参杂的喜悦和紧张，兼冰冷
在雨中乘着小船只
想挑战的冲动加后来想临阵退缩的悔恨加后来幸好硬着头皮完成任务的成就感
更重要的还有
愿意为妈妈提重重的旅行箱的孝顺
愿意为朋友的妈妈提旅行箱的义气
把这趟旅程安排超越妥当的周到
玩到傻傻的童趣
全面照顾我的体贴
在做喜欢做的事的冲劲
像家人一样的自在
最最重要的是
闪闪发光的你们和友情。
因为你们了解和接受，不止鞋子和衣服的事，好多事情因为你们而不致于太难。都会铭记在心永远永远。这些事会是我讲到八十岁的故事。
这趟旅程，收获的都是抓不住的珍贵。
悼
今晚再次崩溃。毫无预警。妈妈的离开已经两年前的事了。日子一天一天过，并不会特别感伤以致我以为我已全然释怀和接受。但原来每一个看似平凡的日子里似乎还是隐蔽地挂念着，偶尔被回忆触碰便以不一样的形式思念。有时候痛哭涕流有时候心里刺痛，有时候悔恨有时候无助。但明明妈妈本来就是要离开的，而且也可以不再不开心不再忍痛。她的离开也的确多少影响我今天的改变。但原来永别是这般深刻的感受。又或许在妈妈临终前的那一个星期，她其实已经不在了。
我的生命的开始结束了。然后我得一个人把这一份生命想办法过着，然后结束的那一天，我们的故事就到此为止。结束以前我身体里流着同样的因子这是唯一能够接近妈妈的途径。
妈妈在我心里会住多久呢？有一天我也许不再梦到你不再记得你的样子表情声音。会吗。
。
难得能够全天一个人安静地过。我记得寄宿的那一段日子总会隔一些时候想独处。同样的孤独感至今感觉依然熟悉，那是就算有个最亲爱的在身旁也抵消不了的感觉。当然我没想要躲避，而且也因为孤独，有些事也特别美。
梦
我在闹市里忽然被一堆可爱的怪物拉上树。说是有什么任务要完成。其中一只怪物、是青色的液体凝固而成的，它跳下树变成一滩死水。过后看见很长很长的操步队伍，我看见两位朋友穿着跟其他人不一样的制服在队伍里。因为不一样她们一个在行列的旁边一个在最后面。我后来加入最后面，但一下子就离开了。然后转到一间很可爱的木屋。我的学生在窗外作曲，用了F#maj7chord。我很喜欢那声音。过后她说忘了叫妈妈接她回家。
然后我醒了。
不止是爱情
（已经）握在手里的却不是以为的那般满足。偶尔能够感受到某种愉悦渗透直达心底，那样的实在。在不安定的追求里其实也不就是随着实在的召唤而去的吗？万花筒如此缤纷我们求的到底是一刹那还是更多一刹那，又或者更加贪心地想要一辈子。
然而无常总是让人不能有所求。真的，能有一刹那便是一刹那了吧。别贪心。或许终究会成一辈子的。
Sometimes I am positive
My senses expanded in a way I've never thought of. Like now I can appreciate more of sound palette and recreate it on the piano. To be able to hear these Colours were once in my bucket list. Now there's more Colours to unlock. And once again, feeling insignificant. I'm Totally amazed at creation of everything.
I can't wait to see my future self. Every tomorrow morning is a future. : )
Dream
Is like another realm where you live a different life.
I doubt how much I'm present in reality. I have so many realms to dive into, and reality is the least I would want to stay in. In such case, am I even mentioning reality, or perceived reality. I suppose we have some controls to what we want to live for. Or in the worse case, our controls are controlled as well.
You see, I thought I would want to embrace surrendering. And I'm now thinking about control.
Departure?
In the dream Grandmother is getting better from sick. But she suddenly vanishes, and comes back inside a coffin. She's not dead yet, but she wanted to bid farewell and wait for her time in it. She doesn't speak a word at all, just smiling. Mom cries. We are not ready to accept.
(Reality) Why is grandmother giving up? Does it mean acceptance?
Hope you feel not too bad
I knew it because I have been feeling so wrong these weeks. I'm sorry I didn't make time to visit you. Now I feel really bad to hear bad news about you. I feel extremely bad.
Dream, of dream
In the dream, i was being hypnotized. Eyelids twitched a few times and I struggle consciously to make them stay open just to test my own willpower here. I remember the thought of how scary that we can't actually take control of even our own body and own mind. For a second, I decided to let go of controlling I'm here anyway to experience something new. Then I fell into a dream of dream, where I keep screaming 'don't go' and crying. Then I woke up from the dream of dream.
Another dream, saw a weird man walking in the strangest ever way, I decided to follow just wanted to see how he actually sees when he walks.
Experience
Pain is something that can be only be experienced solely by yourself, be it physically or not. I have to take the pain, nobody can tell you. I can't imagine how did mama endure when she was sick.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)