bad mood in rainy day

feeling uncomfortable with many things at the moment.

i doubt that if its possible to complete my FYP in less than four days time. seldom do i panic, but i am now. and there is a tiny heart problem prickling. i dont know how and why, but it is simply bothering.

how many times did i lost faith and gain it, again and again. its not anything else that matters, but only my problem that never knows how to trust. i wish i wont use so-called "logical thinking" to analyze every unintented behavior and words of people. it is maybe intended, but i hope i will never know, not even know how to analyze, and then suspect.

i have my own reason, so do anyone of you, to have own standpoint.

I

find myself using the word "I" or "我" most frequently. guess it means i am a self-centered person. trying hard to eliminate this word if possible.

current status 3

i love to hoping for new life, new job, new image, new house, new thoughts. no matter how i dont like the idea i have to accept. always when you accepted something you find things to be easier to go along with. and i maybe, or will be started to like it and even love it.

i remember i told this to yunn before when we were in form 3, and it often works nearly without any failure, until i got my emotional control system collapsed, and there everything just couldnt work anymore. now the engine starts once more, for i am heading to a new chapter of life.

ever since this future stuff bothered me, i couldnt get myself be cool, not until i reach the day.

well, a p.s. here, i have to redo my fyp, REDO FROM THE FIRST CHAP AFTER I HAVE ALMOST DONE 4K WORDS, in less than one week time before i could hand in on the next monday, with more than 6k words on the papers. assignments always not environmental friendly right.

=)

i have got my starbucks already, with a piece of coffee cheese cake.

childhood

i was not a very fine baby after all. in fact i looked like a boy that time, with big head and wide forehead. but what i love myself when i was a baby is the smiling. i guess it made me more adorable, and ump, looked healthier and happier. ha. hope i still retain the trademark with me now. =)

currently..

a good start

 i have no idea why am i feeling so happy at this early that i picture a
few of myself. and the above is the most satisfying one. hope you are as
happy as me. morning everyone.

p.s. am not good in photoshop though i am supposed to. this is the best i can make. @@

its warm to feel loved and cared

some words might hurt, but some please you utmost when they are so genuine and gentle. thanks for pampering me so much and i do apologize for my rudeness sometimes. its shame shame to say such words face to face so i blog it here. well i know you dont read my blog often (which i really gonna pinch you for this), but please do treat me a cup of starbucks after you read this. hehe. you know i am so sweet to have it.

给心宁

曾经固执地认为忧伤最美丽，但希望和初生的感动才最为动人。目前为止我是这么认为，在我听着secret garden的 serenade to spring之后。

腥柠朋友啊，找来听听看吧。也许心也可以宁静片刻。别辜负了你的名字。

current status 2

gastric is getting worse and im now so used to have something called alucid to sooth the pain, almost every night. its bitter to control myself for not having spicy or sour food, and also iced drink. i need more willpower to achieve that.

currently finding myself not blogging too much on thoughts and feeling. it maybe cause of not thinking much nowadays. its quite bothering me.

and for those who knows me well, should have get to know my oioibo as well, the precious and dear smelly blanket. she is dying soon, with some of the edges worn-out. how if i cant find any substitution to replace it, as i have many criterias set to get a qualified blanket as my oioibo. just couldnt imagine how am i going to live without her soon. this isnt a joke. i am seriously worrying now.

Julie Andrew

it is so breathtaking everytime i watch her movies or listen to her singing. i adore her personality the most besides her extremely sweet voice and the gifted talent to be on stage. even in her elder age now, her elegance in the movie princess diaries 1 & 2 never fades. and i never forget how is the sound of music gives me the imagination of a musical life when i was a child.

she is simply perfect in my eyes.

 

current status

i have to prioritize my fyp (so-called final year project) ahead other to-dos though i dont feel like to. its been months i set a topic for it, and finally got the starbucks for the study. somehow every now end then searching for the information of it, i think of to have a cup of iced mocha from starbucks. yet i have to endure through this "very hard" time as my bank account is gonna be empty soon. sigh.

come on, just two more weeks to the dateline. i would certainly treat myself nice after that by april 6.

just something very random here. while i was bathing just now, all of a sudden i found myself enjoying quiet moment and start to think like before. i simply miss myself often thinking last time. it could be good for me, or not. yet, thing that wouldnt change is im still facing sleeping difficulty. i sleep at improper time instead of proper sleep time. wish to have sleeping pill for myself.

by the way, my hammies grow so fast that they are already running on the wheels and have little front teeth. glad that the poor little socks that broke his leg, has too grown up happily and healthily. but it is the tiniest one among the siblings. they are cute. adorable. will post their photos up here next time. im going back to fyp now.

用旁人的身份去描述这段日子，结果快乐确实比悲伤多出很多

。

厌恶

我是非常不开心的。可能是我不够大方，可能是我太爱埋怨。是否不高兴的时候拼命掩饰自己才叫成熟才算懂得体谅。我没有办法改变自己的原则因此也不懂得要如何妥协。就算一百次同样的事情发生，都免不了会一样不开心。我气自己没有资格去怪别人，更讨厌自己为什么要以这样的身份去坚持我的原则。

我无法改变什么，但目前我要的，是有人能够了解我。就算只是骗一骗都好，我还是希望会有人帮我说话。

孤独感总是无孔不入得令人心寒。

 

where "liberty" as a burden of mine

please set me free from cracking head into absolute freedom or not. philosophically, practically, theoritically, what the heck is the freedom?

小仓鼠日记 11032010

娃娃们一天一天的长大，细毛都长出来了，眼睛也慢慢张开了。本来都还是嗷嗷待哺的，转眼就看它们开始学会找食物吃了。为了让小肥肥和娃娃们有足够的营养，便给它们买了花花菜，erm，叫 brocoli 吧，和包菜。我有多开心你都不知道，亲眼看着它们成长，很感动。惹人疼爱的它们还很吱喳。好在它们够可爱。=)

可惜夭折了两只，还有一只小脚被跑轮压断了。因此目前这可怜的娃娃只能用三条腿走路。我叫它小袜子。因为它的脚当时被压着了，因为血液不循环而发黑，像是穿上了黑袜子。不过它的生命力很强，也是三只当中最亲近小肥肥的。我会特别特别疼爱这只小袜子。你要快高长大噢，长大了要会保护自己，别给同伴们欺负了。乖。

 

a phase

抑郁了一个晚上，但今早心情转好。没什么，只是昨晚想不开，今早忽然暂时想通而已。可诗说得对。这只是某个阶段罢了。纵然暂时停止思考，但我知道原来的我始终会回来。只是累了，所以选择性让脑袋休息一段日子。毕业以后，我必须要更不一样，要让脑袋像以前一样努力地转动，让思绪和灵感源源不绝。我就是要这样子。因为想念着虽然烦恼但是脑海满满的感觉。

不想做作业

想放个小假。没有烦恼没有忧愁没有责任没有功课。一天，一天就好。

如果不打拼明天，是否我的明天就会不一样。还是本来明天早被注定是那样子，打拼与否都没关系。

我不聪明，也不勤劳。听天由命吗？船到桥头自然直吗？

不再哀愁。

想好好地让自己放个假。怎么从前依然沉重。提不起，也放不下。我是真的不再忧伤，但遗憾无奈始终萦绕心中。想要回到哪一段时光呢。即没有答案，一个空白。我过去是怎么走过来的，又该如何继续走下去。

。

这个混乱忙碌迷茫的时期，文字像谜。短暂地忘了如何拼凑它们，解析它们。

开窍真难。我需要灵感，需要时机。

 

random

how much shall i pay for the peace in mind. am so distressed for the sake of so-called goals and achievements and responsibilities, and to fulfill and to complete the tasks and orders being assigned. 

there is no way i shall complaining here. its just barely the fault of weak willpower. and i am started to worry, and afraid for what is awaited ahead, yet still wandering around games and movies.

by the way, i have recalled how i cope with fear and hatred when facing situations that im unwilling to face. i just remember how and it helps a lot, on every saturday when i am so reluctant to teach.

p.s. just lost two little precious hammies. it is sad.