迟到

坦白是我释放自己的方式。魔鬼笑说我有骂朋友的习惯爸妈说我不懂得体谅常找别人的渣。想想或许对，我可能是那一个冥顽的人也一直坚信坦白是两个人最珍贵的沟通方式而不顾别人的感受一味把自己的想法套在别人身上。有些朋友在你生命里来去匆匆我拥有过很难得的友情却被我一个一个赶走从此永远失去。就算和好也都不再一样了。所以我要好好珍惜目前和我感情最坚固的你。=)

至于那些我失去了的朋友挽救其实多余。但我衷心感到抱歉，也感谢曾经对我那么好的你们。你。你。你。你。你。

12-13

年终总会有那种想概括的心情。回顾今年的话，其实我一片空白。也许根本就没有成长这回事。岁月怎么过，人怎么变，都始终难逃最根本的原始性。就像我，依然自我依然懒惰依然敏感依然学不会体谅。还是，那一个不讨喜的角色。那么在乎别人的眼光我怎么算是我行我素。只是，我学不会能讨喜的行为，却又渴求别人的肯定。所以，真诚还是我人生最大的一门功课。猴子，还是那一句，我要向你学习。=)

新年前多少都是振奋人心的。肯定又会列下种种大小目标，好像有宏愿日子才过得下去。不过去年设下的目标，就算没有很成功但也总算完成了。至于即将到来的明年，有些事自己心里明白，也看得清楚。一步一步向前走，再怕也会走到那一天。

可能就在我曾经下定决心的那一天，我停止了喜欢讲道理的习惯。有什么道理一定对。我知道的太少，我能说的，更少。不断提醒自己道可道的原则，话语是最不能表达最底里的真切。所以还是自己体会的好。那一种领悟绝对终生影响一生。说到领悟，我还在慢慢探索各种人的可能性。我知道我很奇怪。在没有同伴的环境下成长，我因此学着的是前一个时代的思想生活。因此开始上学了便以模仿为学习方式，才逐渐了解这个时代的美妙。就像我今天终于感受到音乐的感动，绝对是自身最大的进步。

话说回顾今年，却不小心讲到那么久远去。噢好在不用再因为考试和作业而写文章。跳跃式的思维让我总是离题。

blessed

grandma has passed away for sixteen days but i can't totally get out from it. i cant say i am extremely sad. but we were close, and grandma was nice. and so far she is the closest one that has left me. so i cant really accept that the grandma who had had dinner with me two months ago was suddenly gone. and i stay in this city, so faraway from her. i am used to not having her by side, so the loss isn't that impactful that my aunt and mom face. everything seems not real.

sadly, only after her funeral i got to know she has the same birthday as mozart. never even greet her birthday once. how pathetic.

being random

i remember those very depressed days. i am glad that it is sort of over (certainly you cant expect depression can be cured so easily). simply proud of myself that its more possible for me now to control whatever it is. like spending, like anger. of course i still feel urged to break the principles, and i did, but for just a little while and i manage to adjust the focus. like daydreaming. because you don't focus at all. yes i know its not a good thing to daydream given that being an adult you have to be productive. (so that is why i might clean the room again later).

and the devil has been missing for few days already and i don't even know when to expect her return. i thought i cant get through it but the fact is i have successfully be mentally independent for exactly five days. it might not be a big deal for some of you but its been a challenge for me, unaccompanied in this crowded but boring city. i am not too sure whether i will still be fine  if she extends the stay but, i will try.

all these little improvements indeed bringing me much encouragement. at least i don't constantly feel like a failure anymore. at least, there is something i can achieve if i really want to. although some of the compulsive actions might be causing me to evolve into a weirder, nerdier one , but nah, never mind. as long as i feel good bout myself. as long as the friends i mind are fine with me.

(hey, i did the second post. and finally started to settle down already, after nine hours.)

to simplify is tough. so simple life is not easy too.

short and direct. yet rather complicated within. that's my current mind state. i know my resolutions next year. i know what i am going to strive for. but there are too much of them. so im holding a principle now, as to simplify everything i see i say i think. to conclude and categorize is the best way. ughh. i think i'm kind of having OCD on organizing thing. well if it brings discipline into my life i don't mind. hopefully discipline doesn't limit my creativity though as i have had little enough now. 

suffering from restlessness due to messy room, piano exam , things not done, i have tried everything i can to make myself feeling settled and steady. and on the day i was totally unproductive, i cleaned up the room starting from the closet, and then the desk, and then the documents. big and small boxes, tags, folders, notebooks. everything you name it to organize  were used. so then i feel better. and there is one little issue get my mind bothered. and all the efforts are gone. that really ruins my day. so my mind is complicated within, but short and direct.

perhaps when i go home tonight and list down all the chores to be done helps. as i have been in the working place for nine hours already and only one blog post is written (typed).

曾给过悲伤一个期限却发现从前就像防腐剂。不过我想也总有过期的一天所以就等吧。话说等待向来难熬。等和被等的角色似乎注定也从此改变不了。