Self--no self

Days getting more occupied by projects, students and outings. While I definitely very appreciative of my previous peaceful days where I can really live a quiet life just indulging myself into books and music. But I'm ambitious on the other hand trying to prove myself of my value and worthiness through results and things I do.

a problem finding balance between accomplishment and simplicity. I know I want to achieve not just for myself but also to impress people that I value. Of course at the same time I feel good about what I'm doing now. Only that things are too overwhelming now and I have to admit that I can't take in so much. It's so hard to admit my weakness. I thought I'm always strong.

My sense of self is getting incoherent. Self doubt and self hatred at times, but also narcissistic and proud occasionally.

再次考验自己。请记得不断做更好的自己,而非比较。不需要自卑,不需要难过。

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距离,怎样才是刚刚好。

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身不由己。但愿我能够成熟应对。希望没有解释的必要。

..

No matter how hard I try, I will still eventually attach myself to certain beliefs, person, personality to create the ideal sense of identity that I wish to project to other people. Underlying might be the inferiority that I'm not good or worthy enough to be liked. I am always seeking acceptance. Occasionally I tend to be carried away in conversations, and mindlessly react, or say something that I think I shouldn't say just to feed the ego in me. I hate myself particularly for this, because its kind of destroying the sense of perfect and ideal self, and that makes me feel so rejected, by myself.

It seems like the burden of the personality I wish to achieve is affecting me a lot. On the other hand I understand this is actually a reflection of being too self centered. Intellectually I know what's going on in me, but I seriously need a more concrete solution for this.

Chill

I guess I need a break from informations. Never really have time to digest. Complexities are growing and it's overwhelming. The compulsive thinking habit is getting worse.

: )

I am in a very deep peace right now, so contented with life at the moment. But I know I shall forever move on and never settle down, when it's time to leave. Impermanence is a force that keeps me moving, and now I come to not just realize, but experience innately myself that, you change, the surroundings change. And there's always a more suitable relationship between you and the surroundings, at different time. There's nothing to grief, over loss or failure.

But i believe, there's always the one meant to stay, where it changes at the same pace with me, and will be forever a match at different level different time. Be it a dream. Be it a person.

Though mood swings are still happening from time to time, but I'm coping better now. Anyways life is an endless learning journey. I'm still craving for more knowledge, still searching my calling, still fighting the fear and ego, still learning how to love people and nature in the right way, still improving my living standard. Yet, in the process of becoming, I will keep reminding myself that no matter how, the present is the only time that matters, and be grateful for everything as it is.

^^

说不出心里的喜悦,可是我记起了这样的感觉。

果然谁知道明天会怎样。

无端端又无辜地,(怀疑)长智慧牙,牙肉肿得不像话咽口水都艰辛。莫名地身体某部分就这样伴随着陌生的痛,感觉很奇怪。一个人见牙医也是没有过的事,怕得要死,但总得克服对吧。
又,忽然有了个圆梦的机会。一切发生得,好突然。日子能再怎样演变下去呢?: )


伤心咖啡馆之歌

Met this bunch of socially awkward people comforts me a lot. They all communicate in awkward ways, which I find myself needless to fit in, and can be as odd as I wish. That's being myself. No judgement, no explanation, no hurt feelings. : ) just understandings and acceptance no matter how flawed you are.

Self reminder

Its said that what caught your attention out of so many randomness is your own intuition, without much conscious thought of what and why. I remember what leads me here, the very first book that I picked during the painful times. And things slowly change and making sense themselves, from everything that happened to what's still going on now.

Instead of accomplishing so-called meaning of life, why don't just live the life. And along the journey everything will be unfolded easily, without the restraint pain from reality and expectation of fooled mind. Accept and welcome anything that comes, and respond with the best you have. Don't set yourself in a certain dream based on your limited ability. Always try the best for every little moment and that will definitely lead to your greatest potential.

Self reminder

Surrender to uncertainties and unknown, and set myself free. Be humble and always ready to admit that we cant take control of everything and we are not able to predict or assume any condition or situation, given our very narrowed filtered perspectives and knowledge. Be in flow, and respond only when there's options.

Impermanence is seemingly interesting to me now. And I'm taking on the challenge, to make life a game.

.

I think I'm closer to my own spiritual path. It feels more "right" now, or less awkward. But I will need more time, to clarify more, to feel more easy about it. Then it will be the time.

摘自Zen habits

Sometimes you just aren’t motivated, maybe you’re feeling depressed (as opposed to full-blown clinical depression), maybe you just don’t have the energy to focus on work.

We’ve all been there from time to time, and the good news is, we’ve all climbed out of this funk to some degree.

I’ve found there are two main factors to finding yourself in Funk Town:

You have low energy, from a lack of sleep, overwork, an illness, or overdoing the exercise (you know who you are).You get into a negative thinking spiral — one self-doubt leads to another, one bad thought about your life leads to another, until you no longer believe in yourself.

These two factors often work together — usually when I’m jet lagged, or just went through a family crisis, or am severely sleep-deprived, I start down the negative thinking spiral.

Here’s the first thing to know about how you’re thinking during this slump: don’t believe any of your thoughts.

That’s because your mind, when it gets tired and negative, enters a childlike state — not the “let your mind be childlike and playful” kinda childlike, but more like, “Gimme what I want or I’m gonna throw a tantrum” kinda cranky, selfish, petulant child. This is not your best self, but a self that is suffering and just wants to be comfortable. That’s completely understandable.

Here’s the next think to know about this slump: You shouldn’t listen to the urges and thoughts of the childlike tantrum-throwing mind when you’re in Funk Town … but do listen to the needs. Your childlike self wants to rest, doesn’t want to do too much work, is tired and maybe needs some comforting.

Comfort yourself when you’re suffering. Not with food but with love. Give yourself rest when you’re tired. Make fixing your sleep a top priority. Go to bed earlier, turn off all screens, let yourself unwind, meditate while in bed, make sure there’s no TV or other lights on, and get some great sleep.

Weirdly, it also helps to get active. Take care of sleep, and don’t overdo your activity, but if you’ve been working from home or stuck in an office a lot, it’s often better to get your body moving — go for a walk, play a sport, do something active with friends.

A third thing to know: When you’re in Funk Town, don’t believe what your mind thinks about yourself and your work. It will say, “I don’t want to do that!” or “I can’t do that” or “I’m not good enough” or “I don’t care about that anymore.” None of that is believable, simply because the mind that’s saying these things is in a state of panic and fear and extreme discomfort. That’s not a believable mind.

Instead, notice these thoughts, then tell yourself, “I’m just suffering right now. I’ll figure this out when I’m in a calmer state of mind.”

Once you’re in a calmer state of mind, feeling better, then take assessment of your work. You might find you still love it, or if you don’t, you might calmly find another path that’s even better.

A fourth thing to know: It helps a lot to talk to someone else, who has an outsider’s perspective. Talk to a friend, a spouse, a parent, a co-worker, anyone. I can’t stress this enough — don’t be too proud to reach out for help.

A fifth thing: Once you’ve taken care of your rest and your health, you should do some work. Not a ton, but some. Put in some diligent effort, get a little done. Just enough to feel good that you did something.

It also really helps to start clearing your plate a little, if you’re overloaded. Start saying No to work instead of Yes all the time, as a friend of mine did recently when he was in Funk Town, and you’ll feel some relief.

Finally a sixth thing to know: It’s OK to be in Funk Town now and then. We all do it, so you’re not alone at all. It’s human to go through ups and downs, to not always be on a high of amazing psychitude. We sometimes doubt ourselves, sometimes get really tired, sometimes suffer. Don’t worry about being in Funk Town. You’ll get out of it, and because of your experience in Funk Town, you’ll be stronger and wiser and ready to take on the next challenge with renewed gratitude


Fight

Just because I care, so I want to be perfect. But there's no perfection. And when I care too much, everything falls apart. I know it's about ego and fear again. Almost root for every flaws.
Regrets and guilt are just unhelpful burdens. But I can't help judging myself for every words I have said and every decisions I have made. Where is the self compassion I have learnt. I should know that the past me doesn't define the real me.

This endless struggle shall stop. I just want to be the self that I truly adore.

Ok. I know this is just one of the phases I'm going thru. Things will be fine. Its always one step closer to achieving Zen mind after the lower times. I guess each transformation and transition are always hard times but meaningful moments.

渐渐觉得越来越多无法和别人沟通的心思,没什么需要被解释的。就算说出来的也表达不了要点。虽然孤独但一点都不寂寞。只求有一天,能够找到不让我突兀地存在的群体。

Phases

其实清楚知道自己过了最平静的阶段。开始不受控的有野心,傲气,自尊,开始静不下来聆听自己。但这样的我充满活力。先学着接受这个阶段吧,虽然不太喜欢自己这样。这都是我一个人注定要经历的。

能够找到永久的宁静,无惧,无我是我最大的目标。但恐怕得更加用功。

继续游泳,练无惧。
继续练琴,练无我。

加油啊自己

放工后偶遇朋友。因为被鼓励的关系,便接下了挑战弹自己想弹的音乐。又刚好受到两场邀约的独奏,虽然不算是严谨的场所但对我而言算是极限了。这一次,我豁出去了。要不然,永远都无法突破。

*这让我更加相信,对的时候,会有对的人,领着我去对的方向。凡事无需过早担心。等待的过程尽力养精蓄锐,时机到了就派上用场。

能力和所得,如果无法回馈在帮助别人,便失去了光彩,也无意义。

不断不断提醒自己怕自己不见了

两年前告诉自己30岁以后我的人生才正要开始。因为逼不得已的状况,倒促使进度比预想中的快。其实我们真能掌控的有什么呢。除了一些大小决定(而决定时的情绪也不完全能自己控制),其余的都得顺其自然。好好的做好现在该做的事,不着急。

但无论如何,世界怎么变,我一定要记住自己的坚持和梦想。

随笔

曾经害怕忘记到需要不断列单不断记录,但现在已经能够容许自己忘掉一些小事而不自责。一方面日子开始忙碌起来,也无法抓住太多东西。而且发现,被忘掉的事情,原来会在适当的时候提醒自己。

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Words are powerful and redundant at the same time. 但在最近的情况,言语都显得苍白无力。

满腔热血!

发光发热的人们,让我感慨生命短暂,所以该用最大的努力燃烧自己,才不枉费此生。

乌鸦少年2