为什么要鼓吹第一名呢 ?
为什么要把第一名
世界很大,可做的事很多,为什么要鼓吹
只有極少人能得到,得到了也不代表会幸福的东西 ?
那些第一名,总有一天要面对
不再是第一名的日子.
他们人生目标
被教成第一名是一切,
接下去要如何自处 ?
請别再盲目鼓吹第一名了。
取自蔡康永的博客。举手举脚赞同。其实还有更多。你们去点一点列在旁边的链接啦。
-- 想要学的东西越来越多。不行不行。我必须要逐一征服。
学习学习再学习，向上向上再向上。 --
。
为什么要鼓吹第一名呢 ?
为什么要把第一名
世界很大,可做的事很多,为什么要鼓吹
只有極少人能得到,得到了也不代表会幸福的东西 ?
那些第一名,总有一天要面对
不再是第一名的日子.
他们人生目标
被教成第一名是一切,
接下去要如何自处 ?
請别再盲目鼓吹第一名了。
取自蔡康永的博客。举手举脚赞同。其实还有更多。你们去点一点列在旁边的链接啦。
-- 想要学的东西越来越多。不行不行。我必须要逐一征服。
学习学习再学习，向上向上再向上。 --
给自己
选择路径时，猜想没有一条好走。走着的时候，却发觉其实并没有很难走。走过了以后，又在想从前是怎么走过来的。
矛盾的人很多。但我相信每个人心里都有着自己想要的答案，却老是惧怕被反对，被唾弃，被排斥，被遗忘，怕得最后认不清自己。所以，无谓再花时间衡量值不值得的问题。每一种结果都是你自己编排好的结局。不要怪别人，不要怪老天，更不要怪命运。
过日子就好像做手工一样。用现成而有限的材料，想尽办法作出最精致的成品。总是会失败的，大不了改一改方法，改一改想法。在错误的点上，重新用当下的资源计划另一个起点。
我犯了个一直在比较的错误。所以时时刻刻挂在心上老是不开心。经人开解以后，再暗自思考，终于接纳所有的从前和现在。其实不需要想那么多。尽力地过每一天就好了。
我嘛，天生就是要被爸爸妈妈和魔鬼疼爱的小孩。还有什么需要囧的。^^
矛盾的人很多。但我相信每个人心里都有着自己想要的答案，却老是惧怕被反对，被唾弃，被排斥，被遗忘，怕得最后认不清自己。所以，无谓再花时间衡量值不值得的问题。每一种结果都是你自己编排好的结局。不要怪别人，不要怪老天，更不要怪命运。
过日子就好像做手工一样。用现成而有限的材料，想尽办法作出最精致的成品。总是会失败的，大不了改一改方法，改一改想法。在错误的点上，重新用当下的资源计划另一个起点。
我犯了个一直在比较的错误。所以时时刻刻挂在心上老是不开心。经人开解以后，再暗自思考，终于接纳所有的从前和现在。其实不需要想那么多。尽力地过每一天就好了。
我嘛，天生就是要被爸爸妈妈和魔鬼疼爱的小孩。还有什么需要囧的。^^
i might be changing a lot. do you think so?
blogging is no longer my way of spitting thoughts and feelings anymore. i am not sure, simply feeling less comfortable to express self like i used to be. personally, i guess self expressing is considered one of my ability, and i dont want to lose it.
well, things get different since i have settled down in this country. i have mild home-sick, yet i love my life here. there is a lot of new and fresh things to experience, where i never thought of these can be ideas of how and where i want to be in the future. nevertheless, its the first time i find it hard to believe anyone here. people are seemingly treating you very good, with compliments and presents, but you dont know if its by courtesy. well, luckily i am not meant to make friends here. and i am going to hold my principle tight, where i can only feel thankful to those who treat me good, and thats all. nothing worth grateful about here..
i were one of those who have clear direction for the future, not until those days where i lost my ability to manage myself. and i am glad that the old me has come back, with confidence. so i have a very clear mind to think, to analyze, to plan. but too bad, i cant really feel these days. i admit i have very blissful days here, yet it feels like something being suppressed, and i cant really tell. sorry devil. you are trying your best to cheer me up everyday. i know, and i can see it.
generally, yea, i am good, except missing my parents and friends, and food in malaysia so much. except i have less quality time for myself, to do some art stuffs, to write something, to think nonsense.
by the way, i found my music here. its happy to see yourself improving, dont you? =)
*something worth to highlight here. its STITCH. you can see this cuddle-able blue little monster elsewhere. devil is afraid to see it. cause we spent quite a lot to buy it.
*and my hair is much longer now. i can tight a long curvy pony tail already.
friends, might not be updating my blog too often. sometimes i am busy, sometimes i am lazy, and sometimes when i am not busy and lazy, the internet connection here collapse. blah.
well, things get different since i have settled down in this country. i have mild home-sick, yet i love my life here. there is a lot of new and fresh things to experience, where i never thought of these can be ideas of how and where i want to be in the future. nevertheless, its the first time i find it hard to believe anyone here. people are seemingly treating you very good, with compliments and presents, but you dont know if its by courtesy. well, luckily i am not meant to make friends here. and i am going to hold my principle tight, where i can only feel thankful to those who treat me good, and thats all. nothing worth grateful about here..
i were one of those who have clear direction for the future, not until those days where i lost my ability to manage myself. and i am glad that the old me has come back, with confidence. so i have a very clear mind to think, to analyze, to plan. but too bad, i cant really feel these days. i admit i have very blissful days here, yet it feels like something being suppressed, and i cant really tell. sorry devil. you are trying your best to cheer me up everyday. i know, and i can see it.
generally, yea, i am good, except missing my parents and friends, and food in malaysia so much. except i have less quality time for myself, to do some art stuffs, to write something, to think nonsense.
by the way, i found my music here. its happy to see yourself improving, dont you? =)
*something worth to highlight here. its STITCH. you can see this cuddle-able blue little monster elsewhere. devil is afraid to see it. cause we spent quite a lot to buy it.
*and my hair is much longer now. i can tight a long curvy pony tail already.
friends, might not be updating my blog too often. sometimes i am busy, sometimes i am lazy, and sometimes when i am not busy and lazy, the internet connection here collapse. blah.
我觉得有准到
| 第四型 | 藝術型、浪漫者、自我型、憑感覺者 18% |
| 第一型 | 完美主義者、完美型、改革者、改進型、秩序大使 16% |
| 第五型 | 智慧型、觀察者、思想型、理性分析者、思考型 15% |
| 第三型 | 成就者、事業型、成就型、實踐型 11% |
| 第九型 | 和平型、和平者、和諧型、維持和諧者 11% |
| 第二型 | 助人者、全愛型、助人型、成就他人者、博愛型 9% |
| 第七型 | 快樂主義型、豐富型、活躍型、創造可能者、享樂型 8% |
| 第八型 | 領袖型、能力型、挑戰者、保護者、權威型 7% |
| 第六型 | 忠誠型、忠誠型、尋找安全者、謹慎型 5% |
你擁有藝術家的性格，多愁善感且想像力豐富，會常沉醉於自己的想像世界裡。另一方面，由於你是感情主導的人，有些工作你不喜歡就可能會放棄不做，不會考慮責任的問題。
主要特徵：- 覺得有些東西在生活中遺失了，而別人又恰好擁有自己遺失的東西。
- 被遙不可及的事物深深吸引。把一個不存在的戀人理想化。
- 依靠情緒、禮貌、華麗的外表和高雅的品位等外在表現來支撐自己的自尊。
- 帶有憂鬱感。追求的目標是深入的感情而不是純粹的快樂。
- 不願意接受"普通情感的平淡"。需要通過缺失、想像和戲劇性的行動來重新加固個人的情感。
- 追尋真實。感覺現實不是真的，相信當個人被真愛包圍時，真正的自我將出現。
- 被生活中真實和激烈的事務所深深吸引，比如生死、性愛、災難、遺棄等等。
- 敏感於他人的情感和痛苦。能夠幫助那些困境中的人。
。
夜里尽是五彩缤纷的梦，早晨总是用不同颜色的泡泡描写心情。我想我最近是快乐的。
心里藏着的忧虑，我一并埋进很深很深的田土里。虽然每个人不尽然会实现所有梦想，但我有理由相信自己一直幸福着，至少我的理想慢慢在实现当中。只是，我必定要坚持。
心里藏着的忧虑，我一并埋进很深很深的田土里。虽然每个人不尽然会实现所有梦想，但我有理由相信自己一直幸福着，至少我的理想慢慢在实现当中。只是，我必定要坚持。
想当年
不念书本来就是我的特色，而你那一天偏偏好心随便抓一篇叫我读怕我这张试纸我只能用考试时间来绣我的名字。
又这样偏偏只考两题其中一题便是你随手抓给我读的，另一题又给我乱掰得到。满分嘛，就是像我这样幸运才拿到的。嘻嘻嘻。
还有大大个的SPM，是我漂亮的字迹哦。
到了预科班，我们依然白目得在大考前在纸上胡言乱语。不过，幼稚有幼稚的开心。不是吗？
我留给你的字迹其实不只是那么多吧。=) 你看我曾在你的过去里占了那么大的位子。
下厨计
人蠢的话，趣事特别多。像我这样，活了这二十二年，值得一笑的不胜枚举。本来以为在这里工作了，人也得长智一点，但原来，没有什么可以治脑残这个毛病。
我买了十个蛋。其实只是想履行给魔鬼的承诺，做一盘番茄炒蛋，也想证明自己是有当煮妇的潜能。好吧。我是弄出来了。只是我用了九个鸡蛋才成功弄出一盘三个蛋的东东。另外六个都倒进垃圾桶了。而且，也把别人的厨房弄得乌烟瘴气，就算拼命的抹地也还是滑脚的。再来焦味也传千里。魔鬼还没进到屋子里都嗅到了。会有一段时间我不敢再下厨了。这是一段不愉快的经验。
我买了十个蛋。其实只是想履行给魔鬼的承诺，做一盘番茄炒蛋，也想证明自己是有当煮妇的潜能。好吧。我是弄出来了。只是我用了九个鸡蛋才成功弄出一盘三个蛋的东东。另外六个都倒进垃圾桶了。而且，也把别人的厨房弄得乌烟瘴气，就算拼命的抹地也还是滑脚的。再来焦味也传千里。魔鬼还没进到屋子里都嗅到了。会有一段时间我不敢再下厨了。这是一段不愉快的经验。
BagSSSSSSS
魔鬼建议，不如再买个 tuesday bag, wednesday bag, thursday bag ...... sunday bag。还有一个 holiday bag。这样无论休日改在哪一天都不是问题。
杂想
发脾气的时候把手指敲伤了。害怕当中。钢琴弹不好了怎么办。 极度后悔再一次的不理智。对不起你，也对不起自己。
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不过是短短的日子而已，原来身在哪里，每一天的过去都会有可能是美丽的回忆。不自觉地，又开始存录不少名词在自己的字典里。
有专为自己的休日买的小包包。叫monday bag。谁知买了之后休日便换成星期二了。
一个约会的路标，凯旋门，吃完晚饭一起回家的感觉最温暖。
还有林林总总的人称，真名倒是不知道，却总有一个代号一讲便知道是谁。
巴士的号码也能够唤起思念的，如果说离开这里以后。
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来到这里有个终极目标。买遍史迪仔的周边产品。有一天有了自己的房子，里面就会有收藏这些宝藏的地方。
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有着好长好长的购买单，要买给你的买给我的，买给我们的。钱啊钱啊快来。
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我最终极终极的目标是
负担爸妈的一切费用那么你们就不再为钱操心。
我要再钢琴重考里突破突破。
我想念音乐系。
我想让你至少考到第八级。
我想要缝制很可爱很可爱的娃娃送给很重要的朋友们。
我想要有一天我们能一起圆今天的梦。
事情会越变越好的，不是吗？
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
不过是短短的日子而已，原来身在哪里，每一天的过去都会有可能是美丽的回忆。不自觉地，又开始存录不少名词在自己的字典里。
有专为自己的休日买的小包包。叫monday bag。谁知买了之后休日便换成星期二了。
一个约会的路标，凯旋门，吃完晚饭一起回家的感觉最温暖。
还有林林总总的人称，真名倒是不知道，却总有一个代号一讲便知道是谁。
巴士的号码也能够唤起思念的，如果说离开这里以后。
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
来到这里有个终极目标。买遍史迪仔的周边产品。有一天有了自己的房子，里面就会有收藏这些宝藏的地方。
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
有着好长好长的购买单，要买给你的买给我的，买给我们的。钱啊钱啊快来。
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
我最终极终极的目标是
负担爸妈的一切费用那么你们就不再为钱操心。
我要再钢琴重考里突破突破。
我想念音乐系。
我想让你至少考到第八级。
我想要缝制很可爱很可爱的娃娃送给很重要的朋友们。
我想要有一天我们能一起圆今天的梦。
事情会越变越好的，不是吗？
乱中求序
魔鬼讲了一个故事给我听（虽然也是听回来的 ^^）：
路上有三个同样砌着墙的人，甲乙丙。
路人经过，问甲：你在做什么？
“我在砌墙啊。”
路人看到乙，又问了乙：你在做什么？
“我在建房子。”
过后路人又问了丙同样的问题。
丙说：“我在规划着一座城市。”
数年后，甲依然是砌墙的工人，乙成了工程师，而丙成为专业的城市规划者。
魔鬼说是想法吧。同样的起点，会有不一样的结果。
虽然我不怎么喜欢激励故事，但就目前状况，我需要鼓励去明确我的方向，站稳我的立场，走好我的脚步。
不然，我就会一直一直的乱糟糟下去。
路上有三个同样砌着墙的人，甲乙丙。
路人经过，问甲：你在做什么？
“我在砌墙啊。”
路人看到乙，又问了乙：你在做什么？
“我在建房子。”
过后路人又问了丙同样的问题。
丙说：“我在规划着一座城市。”
数年后，甲依然是砌墙的工人，乙成了工程师，而丙成为专业的城市规划者。
魔鬼说是想法吧。同样的起点，会有不一样的结果。
虽然我不怎么喜欢激励故事，但就目前状况，我需要鼓励去明确我的方向，站稳我的立场，走好我的脚步。
不然，我就会一直一直的乱糟糟下去。
礼物让人身心愉快
九月是个收礼物的好季节。大大小小的收到七八份礼物，心里膨胀了一下。
奈何三盒的巧克力我还没决定好该往哪儿塞，不过一只小白熊我已经决定让它坐在电视机旁。至于那盒小小罐的星星，放在书桌好了。还有一本精美的笔记本，舍不得用，也不知道是不是该珍藏起来。啊，教师节还真令人开心的。
另外再收到爱心史迪仔的小椅子兼收纳箱，还有一个史迪仔万通卡贴纸，还有史迪仔精美贴纸，还有还有，一个史迪仔小钱包。噢，还有一个太阳能摇摇史迪仔。
我幸福没？^^
奈何三盒的巧克力我还没决定好该往哪儿塞，不过一只小白熊我已经决定让它坐在电视机旁。至于那盒小小罐的星星，放在书桌好了。还有一本精美的笔记本，舍不得用，也不知道是不是该珍藏起来。啊，教师节还真令人开心的。
另外再收到爱心史迪仔的小椅子兼收纳箱，还有一个史迪仔万通卡贴纸，还有史迪仔精美贴纸，还有还有，一个史迪仔小钱包。噢，还有一个太阳能摇摇史迪仔。
我幸福没？^^
你什么都不知道你知道了你也什么都不要知道
你什么都好，就是极度缓慢迟钝不敏感又对我的感性免疫
我本来就 脆弱敏感
因为拿你来当借口
我将自己伤得体无完肤
而我再怎么伤
你也不会看到
或者 选择性
看不到
除非我拿着伤口
在你眼前大力摇晃
要不然
就算我静静地在你面前
舔着 伤口
你还是会很天真地问我
“你在做什么”
我本来就 脆弱敏感
因为拿你来当借口
我将自己伤得体无完肤
而我再怎么伤
你也不会看到
或者 选择性
看不到
除非我拿着伤口
在你眼前大力摇晃
要不然
就算我静静地在你面前
舔着 伤口
你还是会很天真地问我
“你在做什么”
我一直都很平凡。
每到一个点上总是觉得人没在进步是件很囧的事。但不知不觉竟也到了今天，二十二年多了。如果可以再勇敢一些，视野再广一些，我相信每个人都有双翼可以飞。
几乎我曾经想得到的，一样一样凭努毅力凭信念和运气如愿。没有一丝遗憾，因为我从来不犹豫去争取。可是，还是会有些事情会让人后悔。而我认为，遗憾比后悔更锥心。但目前我再度迷失。不知道该再争取什么，我甚至不知道我想要成为一个什么样的人。
踌躇不前。这不是以前的我，可以不顾一切往前冲。哪怕踏错一步，我得像自己的情绪交待。不明白，但我心里莫名地充斥着恐惧感，什么都怕。就算选择一种职业，也会顾虑到往后自己会不会更忧郁。或者离开某种习惯都会不知所措。以前的自信不见了。
无论如何，还是有无数个小小目标待我去达成。虽然不知道当它们都如愿的时候对我的人生有多大帮助，但目前我只想好好地做好眼前的事。要像以前那样有大大的梦想，远远的目标，现在的我负荷不了。累了。
p.s:矛盾的是，我实在忍受不了现在这个没有大志的我。
八月三
做人啊就是麻烦。要是精神上没一点寄托心便老是空空。但偏在精神支柱上遇到了麻烦，便不期然崩溃忽然不知所措因为就是太在意了。钢琴老是弹不出想要的声音。缝制娃娃的时候线步总是不够平均。爱看书却时常头痛眼睛痛（是视力退化，或许）然后看不下去。虽然喜欢文字却始终觉得渐行渐远。我想重新念音乐大学，但我需要多花四年的时间。我想着和你的未来，但无论如何总觉得没有可能。我喜欢你但你总是很迟钝地怎么不懂得回应我过度的关心。
好吧。不顺心的事总有它的理由。就算没有我也会找出来。
我像是一束可怜的光，直线式地往外发射却无论如何什么面都没碰着所以一直都无法被反射而被迫一直一直没有目标的走下去。就算碰着了，也都是透明的面而已。
最近在看《求婚大作战》。很典型的日本偶像剧，有俊男美女。同事硬硬在为我烧录的nodame音乐集里附上了这个，说一定要看。结果看上瘾了。虽然早过了少女情怀的时期，但里头的情节实在浪漫得令人感动。（这让我想起我的随听机，曾经被迫收录动画音乐，然后孙燕姿之类的流行歌曲。而从此我对音乐的宽容度提高了，本身的音感也突飞猛进。）
忘记忧郁的时候，我都在愁一些很现实的东西。比如，钱。忘记愁很现实的东西，我都在烦我的忧郁。就是这样，我在这里度过了两个月。
记事
慢慢地我被迫独立。或许独立本来就是我的专长，不需要谁我依然生活得好好。开始交了一些新朋友，说不上很要好，但至少我找到少数比较和善的人，至少生活圈子开始有老朋友以外的人。唯一我没办法自己解决的，还是我的情绪。我相信如果我能够剔除这个致命伤，我的生活会由始至终地一帆风顺。
看了第一场在这里的电影。nodame。原来 nodame 是有电影的。和往常一样，我看什么电影都可以感触一番，哭得稀里哗啦。可是真的，我希望有一天可以像 nodame 一样傻得很可爱，坦率又执著。最重要的事，我想把钢琴弹好。
这里到处都是厉害的人。我看到自己的不足，也看到自己的过人之处。还好。还是一样，我没有放弃重考钢琴。一个胖胖的同事昨天拿了成绩。他过关了，成绩还严重漂亮。而且，他失败过两次，但依然不懈地自修。怎么人家自修都能够考上，我偏要花钱找老师。真的，我该学习一下。
要搬家了。八月。一个小小的房。这只是个过渡期。我希望。但愿期待不会随着时间消逝。而我也开始想念以前那个有着小仓鼠的房间。
算起来我的生活变化不大。只是周围少了点人，上课的时间都变成工作的时间，而工作依然是我熟悉的领域。一个两三个月没见我的朋友说我成熟了。噢，是好事。我不能永远扮演小孩的角色。
现在我更努力地克制自己。我不能让心一直像滚滚的烈火一样。慢慢地冷却下来，其实有它的好。
ps. 诗韵，你要送的帐篷怎样寄到澳洲啊？那只会叫的鸡 （鸭）还在我这里哩。
看了第一场在这里的电影。nodame。原来 nodame 是有电影的。和往常一样，我看什么电影都可以感触一番，哭得稀里哗啦。可是真的，我希望有一天可以像 nodame 一样傻得很可爱，坦率又执著。最重要的事，我想把钢琴弹好。
这里到处都是厉害的人。我看到自己的不足，也看到自己的过人之处。还好。还是一样，我没有放弃重考钢琴。一个胖胖的同事昨天拿了成绩。他过关了，成绩还严重漂亮。而且，他失败过两次，但依然不懈地自修。怎么人家自修都能够考上，我偏要花钱找老师。真的，我该学习一下。
要搬家了。八月。一个小小的房。这只是个过渡期。我希望。但愿期待不会随着时间消逝。而我也开始想念以前那个有着小仓鼠的房间。
算起来我的生活变化不大。只是周围少了点人，上课的时间都变成工作的时间，而工作依然是我熟悉的领域。一个两三个月没见我的朋友说我成熟了。噢，是好事。我不能永远扮演小孩的角色。
现在我更努力地克制自己。我不能让心一直像滚滚的烈火一样。慢慢地冷却下来，其实有它的好。
ps. 诗韵，你要送的帐篷怎样寄到澳洲啊？那只会叫的鸡 （鸭）还在我这里哩。
给蓝莓小姐
跟蓝莓小姐交代一下
我星期一假期。
星期二跟三四岁的小朋友玩，三点到五点。
星期三跟小学和五六岁的小朋友玩，十一点到七点。
星期四假装是个很高级的老师，两点到九点。
星期五跟四五岁的孩子玩，四点到七点。
星期六和日我很忙。什么都教。 九点到六点。
不过常常更动的。真害怕有一天记错了上班的时间就真的够够力了。
我星期一假期。
星期二跟三四岁的小朋友玩，三点到五点。
星期三跟小学和五六岁的小朋友玩，十一点到七点。
星期四假装是个很高级的老师，两点到九点。
星期五跟四五岁的孩子玩，四点到七点。
星期六和日我很忙。什么都教。 九点到六点。
不过常常更动的。真害怕有一天记错了上班的时间就真的够够力了。
偶尔我会清醒过来
心渐渐平复下来。希望这能个持久下去。也许近日忙着，根本无暇理会所谓的心情。
在这里工作我不能再像大学时期一样闹别扭耍脾气，可以旷课，可以不交作业，可以连考试都不管。薪金像是控制我的缰绳一样，我时刻牢记着得到它的代价，就是要给与等同的付出。当然我不会被金钱压垮，我只是认为，协议既然达成，就不要怨不要闹。压力和不满在所难免，但偶尔和亲友吐吐苦水就好了。也许这样工作会显得快乐一点。现实永远就只能现实。没有丝毫的宽容和优待。
或许我该庆幸自己无论迷失了多少次还是找到方向。人说，知足常乐。该有的我都有了，除了一颗知足的心。
目前我只希望爸妈能够快乐一点，在工作以外的时间我能够快乐一点，能够少带给你麻烦并真正帮到你,不再孤僻，不被同事异样的眼光击倒，懂得做个真正的朋友。
更重要的，我期待九月的来临。^^
在这里工作我不能再像大学时期一样闹别扭耍脾气，可以旷课，可以不交作业，可以连考试都不管。薪金像是控制我的缰绳一样，我时刻牢记着得到它的代价，就是要给与等同的付出。当然我不会被金钱压垮，我只是认为，协议既然达成，就不要怨不要闹。压力和不满在所难免，但偶尔和亲友吐吐苦水就好了。也许这样工作会显得快乐一点。现实永远就只能现实。没有丝毫的宽容和优待。
或许我该庆幸自己无论迷失了多少次还是找到方向。人说，知足常乐。该有的我都有了，除了一颗知足的心。
目前我只希望爸妈能够快乐一点，在工作以外的时间我能够快乐一点，能够少带给你麻烦并真正帮到你,不再孤僻，不被同事异样的眼光击倒，懂得做个真正的朋友。
更重要的，我期待九月的来临。^^
。
诗韵说，我一直想到这里工作，而我做到了。
诗韵说，我一直都不缺疼爱我的人。
诗韵说，我一直都还有她和另外一个在澳洲很傻的她。
诗韵说，累了的话就回去。健康最重要。
那一晚我崩溃了。
忧郁偏偏像魔力一样让你无法自拔地沉浸其中。不明就里的哭，不明就里的惹人生气，不明就里的想破坏所有事，不明就里的失去了所有信心和希望。我多害怕回到三年前那段最黑暗的时期，偏偏我真是回到了。而我在努力。我必须努力让自己不一样。让心里一直抱着希望和热诚度过未来的每一个日子。
到底我少了什么，或多了什么，以致心无法平静下来。
诗韵说，我一直都不缺疼爱我的人。
诗韵说，我一直都还有她和另外一个在澳洲很傻的她。
诗韵说，累了的话就回去。健康最重要。
那一晚我崩溃了。
忧郁偏偏像魔力一样让你无法自拔地沉浸其中。不明就里的哭，不明就里的惹人生气，不明就里的想破坏所有事，不明就里的失去了所有信心和希望。我多害怕回到三年前那段最黑暗的时期，偏偏我真是回到了。而我在努力。我必须努力让自己不一样。让心里一直抱着希望和热诚度过未来的每一个日子。
到底我少了什么，或多了什么，以致心无法平静下来。
我难得可以上网
消失了一段日子。可能迷失在另一个空间，我不太清楚。对。我在一个城市岛上，一个到处都是美轮美奂的建筑物，看不到山，很难看到海，有时可以看到河的地方。这里让人觉得不那么温暖。像少了什么，连食物都不怎么热腾腾的，人的脸上笑容很难得。我多希望，哪怕只是个陌生人，给我一个礼貌的微笑，那就足以让我心情好上一段时间。但这儿又并非什么都不好，凡事方便得我越来越懒。
一年半一个期约，好吧。就撑下去啊，就为了钱啊。当然我在等着时机。停顿在这里真的好难受。我想更上一层楼。一年半以后，或许我会爱上这里？
我开始想念爸爸妈妈了，还有外公外婆，阿姨，奶妈一家人，钢琴老师，朋友们，还有你。还好，睡觉被和弟弟一直都陪着我。
一年半一个期约，好吧。就撑下去啊，就为了钱啊。当然我在等着时机。停顿在这里真的好难受。我想更上一层楼。一年半以后，或许我会爱上这里？
我开始想念爸爸妈妈了，还有外公外婆，阿姨，奶妈一家人，钢琴老师，朋友们，还有你。还好，睡觉被和弟弟一直都陪着我。
?
I have got my contact lens, but what a shame that I have no idea how to put it on. My eyes are just not big enough. I blink whenever the lens is almost in my eyes. Sigh. What should I do now with the six boxes of them. Tell me.
Something nice out of these hectic days, dad gave me a DSLR. That is what I am longing for these days, to take nice pic, to make my plan works, to make my life less dull. When I have settled down, I will definitely use it to show off my two precious birthday present.
Though I am trying to be tough, emotion still breaks down when night comes. It feels emptier when I recalled those happy days. And all my hamsters are gone. They died, together, including xiao fei fei and xiao tian tian and their children, after one day I sold them to my friend. I am sorry, my beloved xiao fei fei.
Well, you can see I am so not organized now. I do not even write in proper flow. They are so random. Like me, broken pieces falling apart. I am about to collapse.
Something nice out of these hectic days, dad gave me a DSLR. That is what I am longing for these days, to take nice pic, to make my plan works, to make my life less dull. When I have settled down, I will definitely use it to show off my two precious birthday present.
Though I am trying to be tough, emotion still breaks down when night comes. It feels emptier when I recalled those happy days. And all my hamsters are gone. They died, together, including xiao fei fei and xiao tian tian and their children, after one day I sold them to my friend. I am sorry, my beloved xiao fei fei.
Well, you can see I am so not organized now. I do not even write in proper flow. They are so random. Like me, broken pieces falling apart. I am about to collapse.
freedom
i never like to compete and do not ever think of how much money i can
make. but i do appreciate tranquility and contented life in books and
music and love and anything that is small yet warm. that is me. please
spare me some space, to breathe, to develop a truly own me. once i had
my own way, and now i am totally lost, even though how deep i know
myself. it is not your experience and observation that can decide my
future. i always know how to be a good self. i really do.
临别
倒数。最后一个晚上。我不开心，但我不能不开心。
把仓鼠送走了但房子依然乱糟糟，肮脏的衣服堆积如山。老实说，心理上我还没准备好离开。可是我闹了好多次，哭了几个晚上，也没好意思再这样了，不然又会被骂的。
想想在那儿可能我会有很平静的生活，但怕过不惯了，毕竟在这里一直都有人陪着。一切跟计划的都不一样，似乎没有人能明白心里想怨但怨不得的心情。一天一天地接近着离开的日子，心情便是越来越沉重。甚至在任何时候都有可能灵魂出窍，想象我不情不愿的那一天而脾气变坏起来。更讨厌的是，那一天就在生日。今年的生日真让人想把它忘记。
凌晨三点起身，和同学爬山去了。说是要看日出。过程比想象中艰辛很多，因为这山呀很陡。爬到一个阶段了在群山环抱又凉风习习的早晨里，我在石头上睡了一觉。这是我离开前少数值得回忆的事情。
好吧。说不上什么感受来。只知道很难受 ，很想逃避。但我必须让人宽心，只好好好地离开，不哭也不闹。
把仓鼠送走了但房子依然乱糟糟，肮脏的衣服堆积如山。老实说，心理上我还没准备好离开。可是我闹了好多次，哭了几个晚上，也没好意思再这样了，不然又会被骂的。
想想在那儿可能我会有很平静的生活，但怕过不惯了，毕竟在这里一直都有人陪着。一切跟计划的都不一样，似乎没有人能明白心里想怨但怨不得的心情。一天一天地接近着离开的日子，心情便是越来越沉重。甚至在任何时候都有可能灵魂出窍，想象我不情不愿的那一天而脾气变坏起来。更讨厌的是，那一天就在生日。今年的生日真让人想把它忘记。
凌晨三点起身，和同学爬山去了。说是要看日出。过程比想象中艰辛很多，因为这山呀很陡。爬到一个阶段了在群山环抱又凉风习习的早晨里，我在石头上睡了一觉。这是我离开前少数值得回忆的事情。
好吧。说不上什么感受来。只知道很难受 ，很想逃避。但我必须让人宽心，只好好好地离开，不哭也不闹。
傀儡
我不知道从得到面试通知的那一刻起便是噩梦的开始，虽然那本来是值得高兴的事。从发型，衣着，合约，时间，住处，面谈，兴趣，学习，工作，生活的定向，等等等再细小的事宜，你们必然不止叮嘱，而是命令我服从。我向来是个有主见的人，请你们不要再以命令式的关心去压迫我。我本来已经知道如何盘算自己的未来，如今只让我迷失了本来清楚的方向而已。有没有想过，你们有一天不在了，我还得继续过着你们精心为我铺下我不喜欢的前路，那时候我可能无法回头，无法开心地做我自己的事。人生只有一次。请不要自私地剥削了决定的权利。真的，你们对我的爱无可厚非，只是未免太自私，太奇特了。请不要每一次在我人生的转折点过渡干涉，我会把自己的生活处理的很好。为什么都不相信我？几乎每一天都受到你们至少七通电话关于“你到那里一定要这样那样那样”。本来离开你们我万般不舍。本来我开始接受你们不同方式的爱。本来我每一天都在等你们的电话。现在，都怕了，对于面试的事情也感到极度极度厌恶。不想到外坡去了，不想要那份工作了，只想一个人偷偷地逃到天上人间。
或者，干脆死掉算了。反正之前期许的事情，没有一样如愿，反而更糟。
或者，干脆死掉算了。反正之前期许的事情，没有一样如愿，反而更糟。
掰掰
离别在即，就算万般不舍也得不回头地往前走。请我们都记住自己的承诺，不放弃地守候和等待。终究会有好结果的。不久后的各奔东西，我们多久以后会重逢。希望一切如你我所愿，在不久的将来。 无论身在何处，心底最深处的永远都是你。
愿我们都能好好地为前途打拼，也请你祝愿我面试成功。如果前头真的一片光明，那我能走多远，飞多高。
愿我们都能好好地为前途打拼，也请你祝愿我面试成功。如果前头真的一片光明，那我能走多远，飞多高。
too happy to study
I hope it is true. I hope it is like what I expected.
If I were to have the chance, my dream has come true.
Wish me luck.
Something happy despite whole-night-study
oh finally i get to play the piano accompaniment on Spring Sonata by Beethoven , for the violin. so exciting and cant wait to receive the score from the violinist. and Brahms's Hungarian Dance, no.5 , hmmp. I am not so fond to Brahms anyway.
Playing music with other instruments never fail to make me excited and happy.
Playing music with other instruments never fail to make me excited and happy.
study life, and its coming to the end. =)
since not long ago i was hoping for the moment fyp is completed, now i am worrying how to get through the communication law exam tomorrow. come on, just few chapters to go, few case laws to go, few hours to go. wake up! wake up!!!
我狠狠地承诺
过去两天把该哭都哭完了，该闹的都闹完了，该问的也问完了，该说的也都说完了。一切明了，心可能还会隐隐作痛，但希望往后真能不再执著。若再是不懂得信任和珍惜你的好，我决定放手。这是我给自己的最后一次机会。失去了的痛苦，才足以惩罚自己那样对你。
AV3
i never mention my classmates after all. might have too little memory about them, still, there is something worth remembering. like those who are always willing to help, and outings with a big group of them occasionally. a few are indeed friends who never calculates, though friendship with them might not long lasting, at least i get to know these good people. bid goodbye to AV3 in advance. hope everyone done well in final, which is the very last chance to fight for future.
深陷
每个人的心里深处都可以藏着一些很隐秘的想法。我就害怕这样。所以我想知道。我都想知道。但就算说出口了，又凭什么相信。有谁可以绝对坦白的面对自己和别人。谁。我曾经信任。往往怀疑总比信任的好。其实，怎样也比不上不知不觉。但是我聪明还是你愚蠢。为什么无法让我不知道。
累了厌了倦了 我不要了 可以吗
拥有了就更害怕失去。
累了厌了倦了 我不要了 可以吗
拥有了就更害怕失去。
呸
把一个不断利用人的人当朋友，还要内疚个屁。我自然生气。但也只能生个闷气。一个愿打一个愿挨，旁人也不好说什么，说了只让人觉得多管闲事。只是觉得，纵使朋友是要来利用的，但也适可而止，别欺人太甚。这样使来唤去的，对人公平吗？好歹做个佣人都胜过任你使唤，至少付出的都不是白做。
心
感情总是脆弱又出奇的坚韧。该怎么说呢。嫉妒耗了我三成的生命，焦虑另外三成。喜悦两成，仇恨一成，自卑一成。所以我不信任，想要什么都在操控之中。安全感是别人给不到的感觉，所以怪罪谁都不对。我不信任的不是任何人，是人心。因为我是这样的成长过来。
说回来，明明所有都还好好的，共同坚持了这么久也是很难得的，毕竟波折可不是少，风浪也不算小。到底因为年轻承诺始终飘渺。像雾一样美，像烟一样容易散。什么可以证明永不渝的情，什么可以换彼此一生的相依。一生这词儿，都么伟大，老实又可靠。
其实我最相信的，连自己都不是。
说回来，明明所有都还好好的，共同坚持了这么久也是很难得的，毕竟波折可不是少，风浪也不算小。到底因为年轻承诺始终飘渺。像雾一样美，像烟一样容易散。什么可以证明永不渝的情，什么可以换彼此一生的相依。一生这词儿，都么伟大，老实又可靠。
其实我最相信的，连自己都不是。
我不过需要勇气
毕业在即，大家忙着感触。我忙着忧虑。日日夜夜在思量，心情沉重得难以负荷。预想那座城市会让我更加忧郁。但我决定去了，就不许退缩。然谁能告知我该带什么过去，留什么下来。丝丝牵挂让我愁上加愁，牵挂里又参杂更多不安与恐惧。今后什么模样他日得知我又会如何。天。我多么多么不想再踏前一步。可分秒流失间我曾蹉跎不少，在悲伤，在挣扎，而今我应当奋勇地挑起过生活的责任，一步步向前，一天天把好日子带回家里。
怎的还这样放任自己。其实，很多时候我还不懂自己在争取着什么。似乎得失这一课，不容易修。
怎的还这样放任自己。其实，很多时候我还不懂自己在争取着什么。似乎得失这一课，不容易修。
cheers a little
devil and i are both unhappy for own reason.
we can go for an outing. or to sing-k or to play badminton. and maybe something sweet will do. like caramel ice-cream, or creme bure in mid valley. yes, we can. to cheer up ourselves.
and there is one good news, where my two robos have another litter of robo pups for themselves, and me. =) i am already a grandma of 6. haha.
we can go for an outing. or to sing-k or to play badminton. and maybe something sweet will do. like caramel ice-cream, or creme bure in mid valley. yes, we can. to cheer up ourselves.
and there is one good news, where my two robos have another litter of robo pups for themselves, and me. =) i am already a grandma of 6. haha.
days after fyp
things stuffed randomly in my head.
i might have done badly in fyp, anyway its over and worth to be happy. but how am i going to graduate with such grade, so average or even lower than that. and i went to job fair today without any confidence, which is very not like me. positions are just there to be applied. but why am i feeling so inferior to step forward for inquiry. i bet i look foolish that time. people concerning about the first impression, and there i stood still with a dump-looking. and if you dont look presentable, at least, a good communication skill will cover up all, but i speak timidly, worse in english. i will be graduate in less than a month. yet still speak english poorly, fail to make myself presentable, and the worst, not prepared with any skill that is sufficient to get a simple job. i am panicking yet dad is expecting high on me, telling me i have to prepare this and that as if i dont need time for final exam. well i know he cares, but who knows i need some space spare for myself.
i have handicapped personality in nature and feeling scare to move on too often. too much of pressure cause me wanted to give up. it is not me anymore, who used to be strong and determine in solving any problem. now i have a resignation letter to write, plus cv and resume. shall i start off with these, and let the unknown be.
i might have done badly in fyp, anyway its over and worth to be happy. but how am i going to graduate with such grade, so average or even lower than that. and i went to job fair today without any confidence, which is very not like me. positions are just there to be applied. but why am i feeling so inferior to step forward for inquiry. i bet i look foolish that time. people concerning about the first impression, and there i stood still with a dump-looking. and if you dont look presentable, at least, a good communication skill will cover up all, but i speak timidly, worse in english. i will be graduate in less than a month. yet still speak english poorly, fail to make myself presentable, and the worst, not prepared with any skill that is sufficient to get a simple job. i am panicking yet dad is expecting high on me, telling me i have to prepare this and that as if i dont need time for final exam. well i know he cares, but who knows i need some space spare for myself.
i have handicapped personality in nature and feeling scare to move on too often. too much of pressure cause me wanted to give up. it is not me anymore, who used to be strong and determine in solving any problem. now i have a resignation letter to write, plus cv and resume. shall i start off with these, and let the unknown be.
4 years ago
i have picked a classic out of classics
i laugh non-stop after reading this. i was so funny and cute that time. haha. if you wish to have some laugh, read this,"my blog". my very first blog. =)
....zzz.....really a nice sleep yeaterday…zzz…got a headache tat i couldnt really hear wats my mummy talkin…slept at 2035 n by d time i awake, haha, 2day 0400 liao… …em…0400…still a wondeful hr…silent…peace…i run thru my comp. studies tutorial…at least tham cs later on wont scold again ma…he is quite pitiful de…HAHAHAHA…0630, have 2 go 4 d bus liao…i hate dis hr bus…alwez full of ppls n i become d sardine liao…n their perfume, make me fainted really….ok ok times up again…Introduction 2 art lecture…haih…
i laugh non-stop after reading this. i was so funny and cute that time. haha. if you wish to have some laugh, read this,
positive statement
just a few days ago i felt like not moving on and laid back. but its darn glad that my passion is back. i have great things to do. i have great life to live. of course its not now, not in such hectic moments. ha. there are a few people out there whom i think as model. i like the way they live. so contented and colorful, so couraging and amazing, so meaningful and positive.
it was dangerous to live in sorrow that i could have ruined my life as well as others. you just couldnt understand how sad i was unless you were me. i met counsellors, tried looking for psychiatrist, and yet, it was not these that helped me happy once more. companion and understanding from those who care for me, were indeed helping a lot. of course not to forget my own effort to stand up again. although it took me years to get myself slightly normal again, i am still grateful that i progress this well.
i often bet (but not gamble). and enjoy revealing unknown. =)
it was dangerous to live in sorrow that i could have ruined my life as well as others. you just couldnt understand how sad i was unless you were me. i met counsellors, tried looking for psychiatrist, and yet, it was not these that helped me happy once more. companion and understanding from those who care for me, were indeed helping a lot. of course not to forget my own effort to stand up again. although it took me years to get myself slightly normal again, i am still grateful that i progress this well.
i often bet (but not gamble). and enjoy revealing unknown. =)
the world is full of love
i ended up fail to pass up the first draft in time. but its touching when i was so desperately in need of help and so aggressively asking for help, a few of you, helped.
for those who constantly updates my fyp and offer help always at the perfect time
for those who actually did the whole chapter of my fyp
for those who spammed others fb n msn on my behalf
for those who looked for journals for me
for those who have done my survey
for those who sincerely replied my help
i am grateful to have you.
for those who constantly updates my fyp and offer help always at the perfect time
for those who actually did the whole chapter of my fyp
for those who spammed others fb n msn on my behalf
for those who looked for journals for me
for those who have done my survey
for those who sincerely replied my help
i am grateful to have you.
S.O.S
Friends, I am conducting a survey for my FYP due tomorrow. Can you kindly complete this questionnaire for me and my friend. I need 100 responses by tonight. *Sigh*. So if you have time, and is not annoyed by my questions, can you please do more than one time pretending you are different respondent?
The Study of Brand Equity in the context of Soft Drink Industry
and this is my friend's survey:
The Effectiveness of Billboard Advertising in Malaysia and How do the public perceive and process P1 WiMax billboard advertisement
Please, please help. We need help!!! T_T
The Study of Brand Equity in the context of Soft Drink Industry
and this is my friend's survey:
The Effectiveness of Billboard Advertising in Malaysia and How do the public perceive and process P1 WiMax billboard advertisement
Please, please help. We need help!!! T_T
friday
visited yunn in sungai long utar this afternoon with devil. well, i actually went there for the FYP's source, not really for her. haha. but i am really grateful for yunn's sincere help on my work and the laughter she brought me the whole noon.
it was a pleasant trip despite long waiting for the ktm on the way home. i never know that utar has this nice building and equipped with a library that is soooooo suitable for reading and studying. how good if i were to study in such beautiful and quiet place.
stopped by mid valley after that and had a wonderful meal of grilled sambal fish and sotong, entailed by a cup of iced coffee from gloria jeans. and never to forget the ice cream and cinnamon bread bought for my supper. thats definitely cause me obesity soon.
there was a little moment when i was waiting the ktm by the sunset, something creeps in my heart and made me depressed all of a sudden.
by the way, got myself a new racket, white color with royal blue string. thinking to exercise after completed all assignments.
p.s. currently practicing english writing. but i still love to write in chinese. =)
it was a pleasant trip despite long waiting for the ktm on the way home. i never know that utar has this nice building and equipped with a library that is soooooo suitable for reading and studying. how good if i were to study in such beautiful and quiet place.
stopped by mid valley after that and had a wonderful meal of grilled sambal fish and sotong, entailed by a cup of iced coffee from gloria jeans. and never to forget the ice cream and cinnamon bread bought for my supper. thats definitely cause me obesity soon.
there was a little moment when i was waiting the ktm by the sunset, something creeps in my heart and made me depressed all of a sudden.
by the way, got myself a new racket, white color with royal blue string. thinking to exercise after completed all assignments.
p.s. currently practicing english writing. but i still love to write in chinese. =)
bad mood in rainy day
feeling uncomfortable with many things at the moment.
i doubt that if its possible to complete my FYP in less than four days time. seldom do i panic, but i am now. and there is a tiny heart problem prickling. i dont know how and why, but it is simply bothering.
how many times did i lost faith and gain it, again and again. its not anything else that matters, but only my problem that never knows how to trust. i wish i wont use so-called "logical thinking" to analyze every unintented behavior and words of people. it is maybe intended, but i hope i will never know, not even know how to analyze, and then suspect.
i have my own reason, so do anyone of you, to have own standpoint.
i doubt that if its possible to complete my FYP in less than four days time. seldom do i panic, but i am now. and there is a tiny heart problem prickling. i dont know how and why, but it is simply bothering.
how many times did i lost faith and gain it, again and again. its not anything else that matters, but only my problem that never knows how to trust. i wish i wont use so-called "logical thinking" to analyze every unintented behavior and words of people. it is maybe intended, but i hope i will never know, not even know how to analyze, and then suspect.
i have my own reason, so do anyone of you, to have own standpoint.
I
find myself using the word "I" or "我" most frequently. guess it means i am a self-centered person. trying hard to eliminate this word if possible.
current status 3
i love to hoping for new life, new job, new image, new house, new thoughts. no matter how i dont like the idea i have to accept. always when you accepted something you find things to be easier to go along with. and i maybe, or will be started to like it and even love it.
i remember i told this to yunn before when we were in form 3, and it often works nearly without any failure, until i got my emotional control system collapsed, and there everything just couldnt work anymore. now the engine starts once more, for i am heading to a new chapter of life.
ever since this future stuff bothered me, i couldnt get myself be cool, not until i reach the day.
well, a p.s. here, i have to redo my fyp, REDO FROM THE FIRST CHAP AFTER I HAVE ALMOST DONE 4K WORDS, in less than one week time before i could hand in on the next monday, with more than 6k words on the papers. assignments always not environmental friendly right.
childhood
i was not a very fine baby after all. in fact i looked like a boy that time, with big head and wide forehead. but what i love myself when i was a baby is the smiling. i guess it made me more adorable, and ump, looked healthier and happier. ha. hope i still retain the trademark with me now. =)
currently..
a good start
i have no idea why am i feeling so happy at this early that i picture a
few of myself. and the above is the most satisfying one. hope you are as
happy as me. morning everyone.
few of myself. and the above is the most satisfying one. hope you are as
happy as me. morning everyone.
p.s. am not good in photoshop though i am supposed to. this is the best i can make. @@
its warm to feel loved and cared
some words might hurt, but some please you utmost when they are so genuine and gentle. thanks for pampering me so much and i do apologize for my rudeness sometimes. its shame shame to say such words face to face so i blog it here. well i know you dont read my blog often (which i really gonna pinch you for this), but please do treat me a cup of starbucks after you read this. hehe. you know i am so sweet to have it.
给心宁
曾经固执地认为忧伤最美丽，但希望和初生的感动才最为动人。目前为止我是这么认为，在我听着secret garden的 serenade to spring之后。
腥柠朋友啊，找来听听看吧。也许心也可以宁静片刻。别辜负了你的名字。
current status 2
gastric is getting worse and im now so used to have something called alucid to sooth the pain, almost every night. its bitter to control myself for not having spicy or sour food, and also iced drink. i need more willpower to achieve that.
currently finding myself not blogging too much on thoughts and feeling. it maybe cause of not thinking much nowadays. its quite bothering me.
and for those who knows me well, should have get to know my oioibo as well, the precious and dear smelly blanket. she is dying soon, with some of the edges worn-out. how if i cant find any substitution to replace it, as i have many criterias set to get a qualified blanket as my oioibo. just couldnt imagine how am i going to live without her soon. this isnt a joke. i am seriously worrying now.
Julie Andrew
it is so breathtaking everytime i watch her movies or listen to her singing. i adore her personality the most besides her extremely sweet voice and the gifted talent to be on stage. even in her elder age now, her elegance in the movie princess diaries 1 & 2 never fades. and i never forget how is the sound of music gives me the imagination of a musical life when i was a child.
she is simply perfect in my eyes.
current status
i have to prioritize my fyp (so-called final year project) ahead other to-dos though i dont feel like to. its been months i set a topic for it, and finally got the starbucks for the study. somehow every now end then searching for the information of it, i think of to have a cup of iced mocha from starbucks. yet i have to endure through this "very hard" time as my bank account is gonna be empty soon. sigh.
come on, just two more weeks to the dateline. i would certainly treat myself nice after that by april 6.
just something very random here. while i was bathing just now, all of a sudden i found myself enjoying quiet moment and start to think like before. i simply miss myself often thinking last time. it could be good for me, or not. yet, thing that wouldnt change is im still facing sleeping difficulty. i sleep at improper time instead of proper sleep time. wish to have sleeping pill for myself.
by the way, my hammies grow so fast that they are already running on the wheels and have little front teeth. glad that the poor little socks that broke his leg, has too grown up happily and healthily. but it is the tiniest one among the siblings. they are cute. adorable. will post their photos up here next time. im going back to fyp now.
厌恶
我是非常不开心的。可能是我不够大方，可能是我太爱埋怨。是否不高兴的时候拼命掩饰自己才叫成熟才算懂得体谅。我没有办法改变自己的原则因此也不懂得要如何妥协。就算一百次同样的事情发生，都免不了会一样不开心。我气自己没有资格去怪别人，更讨厌自己为什么要以这样的身份去坚持我的原则。
我无法改变什么，但目前我要的，是有人能够了解我。就算只是骗一骗都好，我还是希望会有人帮我说话。
孤独感总是无孔不入得令人心寒。
where "liberty" as a burden of mine
please set me free from cracking head into absolute freedom or not. philosophically, practically, theoritically, what the heck is the freedom?
小仓鼠日记 11032010
娃娃们一天一天的长大，细毛都长出来了，眼睛也慢慢张开了。本来都还是嗷嗷待哺的，转眼就看它们开始学会找食物吃了。为了让小肥肥和娃娃们有足够的营养，便给它们买了花花菜，erm，叫 brocoli 吧，和包菜。我有多开心你都不知道，亲眼看着它们成长，很感动。惹人疼爱的它们还很吱喳。好在它们够可爱。=)
可惜夭折了两只，还有一只小脚被跑轮压断了。因此目前这可怜的娃娃只能用三条腿走路。我叫它小袜子。因为它的脚当时被压着了，因为血液不循环而发黑，像是穿上了黑袜子。不过它的生命力很强，也是三只当中最亲近小肥肥的。我会特别特别疼爱这只小袜子。你要快高长大噢，长大了要会保护自己，别给同伴们欺负了。乖。
a phase
抑郁了一个晚上，但今早心情转好。没什么，只是昨晚想不开，今早忽然暂时想通而已。可诗说得对。这只是某个阶段罢了。纵然暂时停止思考，但我知道原来的我始终会回来。只是累了，所以选择性让脑袋休息一段日子。毕业以后，我必须要更不一样，要让脑袋像以前一样努力地转动，让思绪和灵感源源不绝。我就是要这样子。因为想念着虽然烦恼但是脑海满满的感觉。
random
how much shall i pay for the peace in mind. am so distressed for the sake of so-called goals and achievements and responsibilities, and to fulfill and to complete the tasks and orders being assigned.
there is no way i shall complaining here. its just barely the fault of weak willpower. and i am started to worry, and afraid for what is awaited ahead, yet still wandering around games and movies.
by the way, i have recalled how i cope with fear and hatred when facing situations that im unwilling to face. i just remember how and it helps a lot, on every saturday when i am so reluctant to teach.
p.s. just lost two little precious hammies. it is sad.
小仓鼠日记 26022010
一只小娃娃死了。身体的颜色转淡，不再像它的兄弟姐妹般粉嫩。刚开始无法接受，直到用一把尺轻轻地触碰它都没有反应，我也只好接受了。也不懂小肥肥知道她的孩子死了没，但我看她似乎和我一样伤心。忍不住哭了。
很惋惜这样小的生命这样短。
其实我该勇敢吗
今晚头疼得厉害。是偏头痛吧。
学习和计划是我目前不断努力着的事。而又有某种默想，偷偷地在心里滋长。我该不该让其茁壮成长，抑或遏制它的滋长。噢。人总是无聊地矛盾地挣扎着一些不懂值不值得烦恼的事。
洁癖的人
第一次在现实生活中遇到患有洁癖的人，除了好笑以外，也起鸡皮疙瘩。你无法想象她用了多少的纸巾去擦净桌面，而且还把送来的每一道菜一一排列，有够整齐兼干净。我想十五分钟以后我离开餐馆的时候她依然不停地擦。噢。很难理解她如果她进我的闺房会休克没。
空。虚
是否真的因为没有信仰所以我如此茫然和无助。把信念放挂在哪里才会踏实。原本崇尚空无，但空无也真掏空我本来饱满的心灵以致如今人生意义也枯竭凡是觉得了无生趣。我也曾经依托过知识与思想奈何不知怎地渐行渐远因为心静不下来。
不倒翁
心老是觉得沉重。不去想不代表不存在。而我也只能一再用玩乐逃避。然到了今天，才发现就算逃避也要有资格和本钱。逛街购物吃喝玩乐的确能忘记很多很多的烦恼，但同时候又觉得内疚和惭愧。当不同程度的压力从四方逼来，不但无法忘记烦恼反而更甚。
责任在身，该负的使命。我是个孩子，是个学生，是个老师，还有更多。有没有能力都好，这个家总是要撑住。但所向往的却又偏离责任。而情绪始终起伏不定，就算想申诉也怕别人厌了倦了，甚至眼泪不住地流可能还要让人不耐烦地对你还说面目可憎。是的。多少次答应过自己不会再在人面前哭泣。我该是坚强的硬朗的不认输的。如果我从此不掉泪，你们能对我改观吗。
想改变，也以为已经改了，但原来没有。始终没有受到肯定。或许我从来没有为自己生存过，因为从小只一味的想符合别人的期望，在意别人的看法。如若硬说我是个我行我素的人，我也是当中最不潇洒的独行侠。毕竟，我在乎。只觉得最近投来的都是异样的眼光。我是不是行为举止都很怪异。是，不是？
累了就休息。所以把家里的学生都转给老师教了。至少压力的单列上除去了一项。希望在毕业以前我能够理智地完成该做的事。其余的，就算了。
贪玩的后果
手提电脑再度中毒。都怪自己贪玩，也怪魔鬼的诱骗，骗我有大富翁这个这样好玩的游戏。奈何人心不足蛇吞象，下载了大富翁4不够，还妄想要有大富翁8，结果下载了很多可爱的病毒下来，电脑终于瘫痪了，桌前一片黑暗。
漆黑一片，该找谁保佑我一大堆为完成的作业，谁担保我前途的光明，谁帮助我消磨空余又不想做功课的时间。而里头重要的一切都还没备份下来，你们能感受到我锥心之痛吗。完了，什么都完了。很纳闷。
附注：谁可以教我format电脑，以防下一次再被病毒侵袭，我能亲自治疗我的宝贝，也省下了一些维修费。
你们听得见吗
能不能有一天，你们会相信我能以二十二的心智和能力去处理生活的一切。二十二完完全全是个大人。是的，我成年了。别再质疑我，别再控制我。我知道自己在做什么。我知道该如何应付我的感情。我知道该过什么样的生活。我知道该如何管理我的金钱。我不是要一直逃开你们，我其实希望能和你们继续住在一起，能在身边照顾你们，只是，你们能够停止追捕我的精神吗？所有所有的管制和期望让我几乎崩溃。我的时间，我的工作，我的选择，我的心情，完全受控于你们。很想有一天我能够在完全没有压力的情况下回家。家是人人称之为避风港的地方，为什么我在外头遇到了麻烦却没有真正让我休息的地方。比起任何一个地方，家是我压力最大的地方。我真的好累。无论怎样决定，要不就心里感到内疚，因为觉得逃离你们很不孝，要不就我必须承受无止尽的压力，就算隔着很远的距离。我该怎么办。
我记得小时候就不断想离开家里。因此可以的话都尽量活跃于课外活动或补习。只要爸爸不在家的那一天，家中的气氛会马上舒缓下来，我也能暂时放下重量。终于到了中学住进宿舍，这样的距离反而让我们相处得更愉快，而我也会更想家。可是近年来，你们的管制变本加厉。每一天我都计算着回家的时间。我不想这样。我明白是因为发生了很多事情让你们如此神经质地绑着我，但这有用吗。这样只会让我越来越叛逆，反弹力更大。这样的控制欲和占有欲，让我很矛盾，离开得不心安理得，离开得很内疚。多希望有一天你们能让我不再担心你们，像其他父母般，放手让孩子去闯荡，而你们还是能快快乐乐的度过晚年。
我说过，我爱你们，我会照顾你们，我不会离开你们，为什么你们不相信？
我记得小时候就不断想离开家里。因此可以的话都尽量活跃于课外活动或补习。只要爸爸不在家的那一天，家中的气氛会马上舒缓下来，我也能暂时放下重量。终于到了中学住进宿舍，这样的距离反而让我们相处得更愉快，而我也会更想家。可是近年来，你们的管制变本加厉。每一天我都计算着回家的时间。我不想这样。我明白是因为发生了很多事情让你们如此神经质地绑着我，但这有用吗。这样只会让我越来越叛逆，反弹力更大。这样的控制欲和占有欲，让我很矛盾，离开得不心安理得，离开得很内疚。多希望有一天你们能让我不再担心你们，像其他父母般，放手让孩子去闯荡，而你们还是能快快乐乐的度过晚年。
我说过，我爱你们，我会照顾你们，我不会离开你们，为什么你们不相信？
我曾经是个大学生
大学毕业只是人生其中一个驿站。不知道有没有翘了三分一的课，但我知道我确实浪费了头两年的时间。而这被浪费掉的时间，我忙着忧郁，流泪，闹别扭，发脾气。也并非什么都没学，只是学到的都是课程以外，讲师不教的道理。而我也忘了好好的和同班三年的同学打交道。于是，我们依然维持在同学的关系，而非朋友。说到朋友，我几乎一无所有。始终在身边，还是中学的老朋友们。是是非非也总会烟消云散，时间也总会冲淡这一切。我会忘记这里，忘记你们。是我不想承认也好，还是害怕再度深陷谷底，反正我不会再想遇到你们。我知道毕业典礼只是个让我更难受的仪式。我预想那一天所有让我难受又不想看到的可能。因此为保自己不开心，我会躲开，我会缺席。
因此在这里没有可以眷恋的事，一样都没有。我只想快点毕业，快点离开，虽然我不否认对于未来还是会害怕。
驿站
结果我还是搬家了。其实始终认为之前的巴士博是我的最爱，但谁叫它好不稳定，我只好在这里也扎起个营，等待巴士博回来，让这两个空间一起合作。每一次搬家，担心的不是读者流失，因为其实访客量通常都不高，只是我害怕每换一个空间，感觉就不一样了。
希望在这里，我依然喜欢写一些字。
希望在这里，我依然喜欢写一些字。
someone said something
"i was told that i'm smart, but i'm restricted by my gender. so maybe i should get a penis sometime soon. "
i am so amazed by this quote written by one of my former classmates in her facebook. cant wait to share here. haha.
call it a day
my brain will soon explode like a bomb, with all those to-do, to-solve, to-accomplish so blended in mind that I do not have a clue on where and how to start. and so i just lay upon the bed, dreaming of a cup of ice peach tea.
i have the teabags ready, just too lazy to make myself one. so '@'
强迫症吗
我一直以来看书和弹钢琴都会莫名地感到压迫。那是一种读不完，弹不完的感觉，而我总是贪心又刻求完美，因此心里负担就更重了。
要说书的话，书类繁多。有些书，不尽然看得懂，也不一定想看，但还是逼自己去看。那么多类种，我却野心很大想样样都涉猎其中。所以很累，也一直觉得时间不够。但其实这样囫囵吞枣，我觉得并没有真正的充实自己。只是，我控制不了。老实说最近很少看书了。除了懊恼，心里那种压迫又频频出现了。
至于钢琴，自古至今，音乐家们的作品同样的多不胜数。出于好胜心，我会想把它们都学下来，至少重要的大作，一定要会。然而就是技术有限，今天为止也只能弹了那么一点。
人能知道的其实有限。我不清楚为什么自己一直会妄想要学会全部事情。浩瀚啊，就把我的野心压下来了。结果我还是很平庸。
蔡康永
最近迷上了蔡康永。虽然这一点都不像我，但着实我学会了看杂志，看综艺节目，听流行歌曲。
说不上为什么。
康熙来了小s相当具争议性吧，但其实我要看的是蔡康永。于是疯狂起来就去找了他的生平简介背景，还有，他的博客，和书。他的文字让我觉得很到位，我是说，真能说中自己想说说不出的情怀。而且文字简单并不忸怩。
只是，还是很讨厌自己对演艺圈有一定的偏见。如果他后来没有涉入这行就好。
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