我觉得有准到
| 第四型 | 藝術型、浪漫者、自我型、憑感覺者 18% |
| 第一型 | 完美主義者、完美型、改革者、改進型、秩序大使 16% |
| 第五型 | 智慧型、觀察者、思想型、理性分析者、思考型 15% |
| 第三型 | 成就者、事業型、成就型、實踐型 11% |
| 第九型 | 和平型、和平者、和諧型、維持和諧者 11% |
| 第二型 | 助人者、全愛型、助人型、成就他人者、博愛型 9% |
| 第七型 | 快樂主義型、豐富型、活躍型、創造可能者、享樂型 8% |
| 第八型 | 領袖型、能力型、挑戰者、保護者、權威型 7% |
| 第六型 | 忠誠型、忠誠型、尋找安全者、謹慎型 5% |
你擁有藝術家的性格，多愁善感且想像力豐富，會常沉醉於自己的想像世界裡。另一方面，由於你是感情主導的人，有些工作你不喜歡就可能會放棄不做，不會考慮責任的問題。
主要特徵：- 覺得有些東西在生活中遺失了，而別人又恰好擁有自己遺失的東西。
- 被遙不可及的事物深深吸引。把一個不存在的戀人理想化。
- 依靠情緒、禮貌、華麗的外表和高雅的品位等外在表現來支撐自己的自尊。
- 帶有憂鬱感。追求的目標是深入的感情而不是純粹的快樂。
- 不願意接受"普通情感的平淡"。需要通過缺失、想像和戲劇性的行動來重新加固個人的情感。
- 追尋真實。感覺現實不是真的，相信當個人被真愛包圍時，真正的自我將出現。
- 被生活中真實和激烈的事務所深深吸引，比如生死、性愛、災難、遺棄等等。
- 敏感於他人的情感和痛苦。能夠幫助那些困境中的人。
。
心里藏着的忧虑，我一并埋进很深很深的田土里。虽然每个人不尽然会实现所有梦想，但我有理由相信自己一直幸福着，至少我的理想慢慢在实现当中。只是，我必定要坚持。
想当年
不念书本来就是我的特色，而你那一天偏偏好心随便抓一篇叫我读怕我这张试纸我只能用考试时间来绣我的名字。
又这样偏偏只考两题其中一题便是你随手抓给我读的，另一题又给我乱掰得到。满分嘛，就是像我这样幸运才拿到的。嘻嘻嘻。
还有大大个的SPM，是我漂亮的字迹哦。
到了预科班，我们依然白目得在大考前在纸上胡言乱语。不过，幼稚有幼稚的开心。不是吗？
我留给你的字迹其实不只是那么多吧。=) 你看我曾在你的过去里占了那么大的位子。
下厨计
我买了十个蛋。其实只是想履行给魔鬼的承诺，做一盘番茄炒蛋，也想证明自己是有当煮妇的潜能。好吧。我是弄出来了。只是我用了九个鸡蛋才成功弄出一盘三个蛋的东东。另外六个都倒进垃圾桶了。而且，也把别人的厨房弄得乌烟瘴气，就算拼命的抹地也还是滑脚的。再来焦味也传千里。魔鬼还没进到屋子里都嗅到了。会有一段时间我不敢再下厨了。这是一段不愉快的经验。
BagSSSSSSS
杂想
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不过是短短的日子而已，原来身在哪里，每一天的过去都会有可能是美丽的回忆。不自觉地，又开始存录不少名词在自己的字典里。
有专为自己的休日买的小包包。叫monday bag。谁知买了之后休日便换成星期二了。
一个约会的路标，凯旋门，吃完晚饭一起回家的感觉最温暖。
还有林林总总的人称，真名倒是不知道，却总有一个代号一讲便知道是谁。
巴士的号码也能够唤起思念的，如果说离开这里以后。
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来到这里有个终极目标。买遍史迪仔的周边产品。有一天有了自己的房子，里面就会有收藏这些宝藏的地方。
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有着好长好长的购买单，要买给你的买给我的，买给我们的。钱啊钱啊快来。
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我最终极终极的目标是
负担爸妈的一切费用那么你们就不再为钱操心。
我要再钢琴重考里突破突破。
我想念音乐系。
我想让你至少考到第八级。
我想要缝制很可爱很可爱的娃娃送给很重要的朋友们。
我想要有一天我们能一起圆今天的梦。
事情会越变越好的，不是吗？
乱中求序
路上有三个同样砌着墙的人，甲乙丙。
路人经过，问甲：你在做什么？
“我在砌墙啊。”
路人看到乙，又问了乙：你在做什么？
“我在建房子。”
过后路人又问了丙同样的问题。
丙说：“我在规划着一座城市。”
数年后，甲依然是砌墙的工人，乙成了工程师，而丙成为专业的城市规划者。
魔鬼说是想法吧。同样的起点，会有不一样的结果。
虽然我不怎么喜欢激励故事，但就目前状况，我需要鼓励去明确我的方向，站稳我的立场，走好我的脚步。
不然，我就会一直一直的乱糟糟下去。
礼物让人身心愉快
奈何三盒的巧克力我还没决定好该往哪儿塞，不过一只小白熊我已经决定让它坐在电视机旁。至于那盒小小罐的星星，放在书桌好了。还有一本精美的笔记本，舍不得用，也不知道是不是该珍藏起来。啊，教师节还真令人开心的。
另外再收到爱心史迪仔的小椅子兼收纳箱，还有一个史迪仔万通卡贴纸，还有史迪仔精美贴纸，还有还有，一个史迪仔小钱包。噢，还有一个太阳能摇摇史迪仔。
我幸福没？^^
你什么都不知道你知道了你也什么都不要知道
我本来就 脆弱敏感
因为拿你来当借口
我将自己伤得体无完肤
而我再怎么伤
你也不会看到
或者 选择性
看不到
除非我拿着伤口
在你眼前大力摇晃
要不然
就算我静静地在你面前
舔着 伤口
你还是会很天真地问我
“你在做什么”
我一直都很平凡。
八月三
做人啊就是麻烦。要是精神上没一点寄托心便老是空空。但偏在精神支柱上遇到了麻烦，便不期然崩溃忽然不知所措因为就是太在意了。钢琴老是弹不出想要的声音。缝制娃娃的时候线步总是不够平均。爱看书却时常头痛眼睛痛（是视力退化，或许）然后看不下去。虽然喜欢文字却始终觉得渐行渐远。我想重新念音乐大学，但我需要多花四年的时间。我想着和你的未来，但无论如何总觉得没有可能。我喜欢你但你总是很迟钝地怎么不懂得回应我过度的关心。
好吧。不顺心的事总有它的理由。就算没有我也会找出来。
我像是一束可怜的光，直线式地往外发射却无论如何什么面都没碰着所以一直都无法被反射而被迫一直一直没有目标的走下去。就算碰着了，也都是透明的面而已。
最近在看《求婚大作战》。很典型的日本偶像剧，有俊男美女。同事硬硬在为我烧录的nodame音乐集里附上了这个，说一定要看。结果看上瘾了。虽然早过了少女情怀的时期，但里头的情节实在浪漫得令人感动。（这让我想起我的随听机，曾经被迫收录动画音乐，然后孙燕姿之类的流行歌曲。而从此我对音乐的宽容度提高了，本身的音感也突飞猛进。）
忘记忧郁的时候，我都在愁一些很现实的东西。比如，钱。忘记愁很现实的东西，我都在烦我的忧郁。就是这样，我在这里度过了两个月。
记事
看了第一场在这里的电影。nodame。原来 nodame 是有电影的。和往常一样，我看什么电影都可以感触一番，哭得稀里哗啦。可是真的，我希望有一天可以像 nodame 一样傻得很可爱，坦率又执著。最重要的事，我想把钢琴弹好。
这里到处都是厉害的人。我看到自己的不足，也看到自己的过人之处。还好。还是一样，我没有放弃重考钢琴。一个胖胖的同事昨天拿了成绩。他过关了，成绩还严重漂亮。而且，他失败过两次，但依然不懈地自修。怎么人家自修都能够考上，我偏要花钱找老师。真的，我该学习一下。
要搬家了。八月。一个小小的房。这只是个过渡期。我希望。但愿期待不会随着时间消逝。而我也开始想念以前那个有着小仓鼠的房间。
算起来我的生活变化不大。只是周围少了点人，上课的时间都变成工作的时间，而工作依然是我熟悉的领域。一个两三个月没见我的朋友说我成熟了。噢，是好事。我不能永远扮演小孩的角色。
现在我更努力地克制自己。我不能让心一直像滚滚的烈火一样。慢慢地冷却下来，其实有它的好。
ps. 诗韵，你要送的帐篷怎样寄到澳洲啊？那只会叫的鸡 （鸭）还在我这里哩。
给蓝莓小姐
我星期一假期。
星期二跟三四岁的小朋友玩，三点到五点。
星期三跟小学和五六岁的小朋友玩，十一点到七点。
星期四假装是个很高级的老师，两点到九点。
星期五跟四五岁的孩子玩，四点到七点。
星期六和日我很忙。什么都教。 九点到六点。
不过常常更动的。真害怕有一天记错了上班的时间就真的够够力了。
偶尔我会清醒过来
在这里工作我不能再像大学时期一样闹别扭耍脾气，可以旷课，可以不交作业，可以连考试都不管。薪金像是控制我的缰绳一样，我时刻牢记着得到它的代价，就是要给与等同的付出。当然我不会被金钱压垮，我只是认为，协议既然达成，就不要怨不要闹。压力和不满在所难免，但偶尔和亲友吐吐苦水就好了。也许这样工作会显得快乐一点。现实永远就只能现实。没有丝毫的宽容和优待。
或许我该庆幸自己无论迷失了多少次还是找到方向。人说，知足常乐。该有的我都有了，除了一颗知足的心。
目前我只希望爸妈能够快乐一点，在工作以外的时间我能够快乐一点，能够少带给你麻烦并真正帮到你,不再孤僻，不被同事异样的眼光击倒，懂得做个真正的朋友。
更重要的，我期待九月的来临。^^
。
诗韵说，我一直都不缺疼爱我的人。
诗韵说，我一直都还有她和另外一个在澳洲很傻的她。
诗韵说，累了的话就回去。健康最重要。
那一晚我崩溃了。
忧郁偏偏像魔力一样让你无法自拔地沉浸其中。不明就里的哭，不明就里的惹人生气，不明就里的想破坏所有事，不明就里的失去了所有信心和希望。我多害怕回到三年前那段最黑暗的时期，偏偏我真是回到了。而我在努力。我必须努力让自己不一样。让心里一直抱着希望和热诚度过未来的每一个日子。
到底我少了什么，或多了什么，以致心无法平静下来。
我难得可以上网
一年半一个期约，好吧。就撑下去啊，就为了钱啊。当然我在等着时机。停顿在这里真的好难受。我想更上一层楼。一年半以后，或许我会爱上这里？
我开始想念爸爸妈妈了，还有外公外婆，阿姨，奶妈一家人，钢琴老师，朋友们，还有你。还好，睡觉被和弟弟一直都陪着我。
?
Something nice out of these hectic days, dad gave me a DSLR. That is what I am longing for these days, to take nice pic, to make my plan works, to make my life less dull. When I have settled down, I will definitely use it to show off my two precious birthday present.
Though I am trying to be tough, emotion still breaks down when night comes. It feels emptier when I recalled those happy days. And all my hamsters are gone. They died, together, including xiao fei fei and xiao tian tian and their children, after one day I sold them to my friend. I am sorry, my beloved xiao fei fei.
Well, you can see I am so not organized now. I do not even write in proper flow. They are so random. Like me, broken pieces falling apart. I am about to collapse.
freedom
临别
把仓鼠送走了但房子依然乱糟糟，肮脏的衣服堆积如山。老实说，心理上我还没准备好离开。可是我闹了好多次，哭了几个晚上，也没好意思再这样了，不然又会被骂的。
想想在那儿可能我会有很平静的生活，但怕过不惯了，毕竟在这里一直都有人陪着。一切跟计划的都不一样，似乎没有人能明白心里想怨但怨不得的心情。一天一天地接近着离开的日子，心情便是越来越沉重。甚至在任何时候都有可能灵魂出窍，想象我不情不愿的那一天而脾气变坏起来。更讨厌的是，那一天就在生日。今年的生日真让人想把它忘记。
凌晨三点起身，和同学爬山去了。说是要看日出。过程比想象中艰辛很多，因为这山呀很陡。爬到一个阶段了在群山环抱又凉风习习的早晨里，我在石头上睡了一觉。这是我离开前少数值得回忆的事情。
好吧。说不上什么感受来。只知道很难受 ，很想逃避。但我必须让人宽心，只好好好地离开，不哭也不闹。
傀儡
或者，干脆死掉算了。反正之前期许的事情，没有一样如愿，反而更糟。
掰掰
愿我们都能好好地为前途打拼，也请你祝愿我面试成功。如果前头真的一片光明，那我能走多远，飞多高。
too happy to study
I hope it is true. I hope it is like what I expected.
If I were to have the chance, my dream has come true.
Wish me luck.
Something happy despite whole-night-study
Playing music with other instruments never fail to make me excited and happy.
study life, and its coming to the end. =)
我狠狠地承诺
AV3
深陷
累了厌了倦了 我不要了 可以吗
拥有了就更害怕失去。
呸
心
说回来，明明所有都还好好的，共同坚持了这么久也是很难得的，毕竟波折可不是少，风浪也不算小。到底因为年轻承诺始终飘渺。像雾一样美，像烟一样容易散。什么可以证明永不渝的情，什么可以换彼此一生的相依。一生这词儿，都么伟大，老实又可靠。
其实我最相信的，连自己都不是。
我不过需要勇气
怎的还这样放任自己。其实，很多时候我还不懂自己在争取着什么。似乎得失这一课，不容易修。
cheers a little
we can go for an outing. or to sing-k or to play badminton. and maybe something sweet will do. like caramel ice-cream, or creme bure in mid valley. yes, we can. to cheer up ourselves.
and there is one good news, where my two robos have another litter of robo pups for themselves, and me. =) i am already a grandma of 6. haha.
days after fyp
i might have done badly in fyp, anyway its over and worth to be happy. but how am i going to graduate with such grade, so average or even lower than that. and i went to job fair today without any confidence, which is very not like me. positions are just there to be applied. but why am i feeling so inferior to step forward for inquiry. i bet i look foolish that time. people concerning about the first impression, and there i stood still with a dump-looking. and if you dont look presentable, at least, a good communication skill will cover up all, but i speak timidly, worse in english. i will be graduate in less than a month. yet still speak english poorly, fail to make myself presentable, and the worst, not prepared with any skill that is sufficient to get a simple job. i am panicking yet dad is expecting high on me, telling me i have to prepare this and that as if i dont need time for final exam. well i know he cares, but who knows i need some space spare for myself.
i have handicapped personality in nature and feeling scare to move on too often. too much of pressure cause me wanted to give up. it is not me anymore, who used to be strong and determine in solving any problem. now i have a resignation letter to write, plus cv and resume. shall i start off with these, and let the unknown be.
4 years ago
....zzz.....really a nice sleep yeaterday…zzz…got a headache tat i couldnt really hear wats my mummy talkin…slept at 2035 n by d time i awake, haha, 2day 0400 liao… …em…0400…still a wondeful hr…silent…peace…i run thru my comp. studies tutorial…at least tham cs later on wont scold again ma…he is quite pitiful de…HAHAHAHA…0630, have 2 go 4 d bus liao…i hate dis hr bus…alwez full of ppls n i become d sardine liao…n their perfume, make me fainted really….ok ok times up again…Introduction 2 art lecture…haih…
i laugh non-stop after reading this. i was so funny and cute that time. haha. if you wish to have some laugh, read this,
positive statement
it was dangerous to live in sorrow that i could have ruined my life as well as others. you just couldnt understand how sad i was unless you were me. i met counsellors, tried looking for psychiatrist, and yet, it was not these that helped me happy once more. companion and understanding from those who care for me, were indeed helping a lot. of course not to forget my own effort to stand up again. although it took me years to get myself slightly normal again, i am still grateful that i progress this well.
i often bet (but not gamble). and enjoy revealing unknown. =)
the world is full of love
for those who constantly updates my fyp and offer help always at the perfect time
for those who actually did the whole chapter of my fyp
for those who spammed others fb n msn on my behalf
for those who looked for journals for me
for those who have done my survey
for those who sincerely replied my help
i am grateful to have you.
S.O.S
The Study of Brand Equity in the context of Soft Drink Industry
and this is my friend's survey:
The Effectiveness of Billboard Advertising in Malaysia and How do the public perceive and process P1 WiMax billboard advertisement
Please, please help. We need help!!! T_T
friday
it was a pleasant trip despite long waiting for the ktm on the way home. i never know that utar has this nice building and equipped with a library that is soooooo suitable for reading and studying. how good if i were to study in such beautiful and quiet place.
stopped by mid valley after that and had a wonderful meal of grilled sambal fish and sotong, entailed by a cup of iced coffee from gloria jeans. and never to forget the ice cream and cinnamon bread bought for my supper. thats definitely cause me obesity soon.
there was a little moment when i was waiting the ktm by the sunset, something creeps in my heart and made me depressed all of a sudden.
by the way, got myself a new racket, white color with royal blue string. thinking to exercise after completed all assignments.
p.s. currently practicing english writing. but i still love to write in chinese. =)
bad mood in rainy day
i doubt that if its possible to complete my FYP in less than four days time. seldom do i panic, but i am now. and there is a tiny heart problem prickling. i dont know how and why, but it is simply bothering.
how many times did i lost faith and gain it, again and again. its not anything else that matters, but only my problem that never knows how to trust. i wish i wont use so-called "logical thinking" to analyze every unintented behavior and words of people. it is maybe intended, but i hope i will never know, not even know how to analyze, and then suspect.
i have my own reason, so do anyone of you, to have own standpoint.
I
current status 3
i love to hoping for new life, new job, new image, new house, new thoughts. no matter how i dont like the idea i have to accept. always when you accepted something you find things to be easier to go along with. and i maybe, or will be started to like it and even love it.
i remember i told this to yunn before when we were in form 3, and it often works nearly without any failure, until i got my emotional control system collapsed, and there everything just couldnt work anymore. now the engine starts once more, for i am heading to a new chapter of life.
ever since this future stuff bothered me, i couldnt get myself be cool, not until i reach the day.
well, a p.s. here, i have to redo my fyp, REDO FROM THE FIRST CHAP AFTER I HAVE ALMOST DONE 4K WORDS, in less than one week time before i could hand in on the next monday, with more than 6k words on the papers. assignments always not environmental friendly right.
childhood
a good start
few of myself. and the above is the most satisfying one. hope you are as
happy as me. morning everyone.
its warm to feel loved and cared
some words might hurt, but some please you utmost when they are so genuine and gentle. thanks for pampering me so much and i do apologize for my rudeness sometimes. its shame shame to say such words face to face so i blog it here. well i know you dont read my blog often (which i really gonna pinch you for this), but please do treat me a cup of starbucks after you read this. hehe. you know i am so sweet to have it.
给心宁
曾经固执地认为忧伤最美丽，但希望和初生的感动才最为动人。目前为止我是这么认为，在我听着secret garden的 serenade to spring之后。
腥柠朋友啊，找来听听看吧。也许心也可以宁静片刻。别辜负了你的名字。
current status 2
gastric is getting worse and im now so used to have something called alucid to sooth the pain, almost every night. its bitter to control myself for not having spicy or sour food, and also iced drink. i need more willpower to achieve that.
currently finding myself not blogging too much on thoughts and feeling. it maybe cause of not thinking much nowadays. its quite bothering me.
and for those who knows me well, should have get to know my oioibo as well, the precious and dear smelly blanket. she is dying soon, with some of the edges worn-out. how if i cant find any substitution to replace it, as i have many criterias set to get a qualified blanket as my oioibo. just couldnt imagine how am i going to live without her soon. this isnt a joke. i am seriously worrying now.
Julie Andrew
it is so breathtaking everytime i watch her movies or listen to her singing. i adore her personality the most besides her extremely sweet voice and the gifted talent to be on stage. even in her elder age now, her elegance in the movie princess diaries 1 & 2 never fades. and i never forget how is the sound of music gives me the imagination of a musical life when i was a child.
she is simply perfect in my eyes.
current status
i have to prioritize my fyp (so-called final year project) ahead other to-dos though i dont feel like to. its been months i set a topic for it, and finally got the starbucks for the study. somehow every now end then searching for the information of it, i think of to have a cup of iced mocha from starbucks. yet i have to endure through this "very hard" time as my bank account is gonna be empty soon. sigh.
come on, just two more weeks to the dateline. i would certainly treat myself nice after that by april 6.
just something very random here. while i was bathing just now, all of a sudden i found myself enjoying quiet moment and start to think like before. i simply miss myself often thinking last time. it could be good for me, or not. yet, thing that wouldnt change is im still facing sleeping difficulty. i sleep at improper time instead of proper sleep time. wish to have sleeping pill for myself.
by the way, my hammies grow so fast that they are already running on the wheels and have little front teeth. glad that the poor little socks that broke his leg, has too grown up happily and healthily. but it is the tiniest one among the siblings. they are cute. adorable. will post their photos up here next time. im going back to fyp now.
厌恶
我是非常不开心的。可能是我不够大方，可能是我太爱埋怨。是否不高兴的时候拼命掩饰自己才叫成熟才算懂得体谅。我没有办法改变自己的原则因此也不懂得要如何妥协。就算一百次同样的事情发生，都免不了会一样不开心。我气自己没有资格去怪别人，更讨厌自己为什么要以这样的身份去坚持我的原则。
我无法改变什么，但目前我要的，是有人能够了解我。就算只是骗一骗都好，我还是希望会有人帮我说话。
孤独感总是无孔不入得令人心寒。
where "liberty" as a burden of mine
please set me free from cracking head into absolute freedom or not. philosophically, practically, theoritically, what the heck is the freedom?
小仓鼠日记 11032010
娃娃们一天一天的长大，细毛都长出来了，眼睛也慢慢张开了。本来都还是嗷嗷待哺的，转眼就看它们开始学会找食物吃了。为了让小肥肥和娃娃们有足够的营养，便给它们买了花花菜，erm，叫 brocoli 吧，和包菜。我有多开心你都不知道，亲眼看着它们成长，很感动。惹人疼爱的它们还很吱喳。好在它们够可爱。=)
可惜夭折了两只，还有一只小脚被跑轮压断了。因此目前这可怜的娃娃只能用三条腿走路。我叫它小袜子。因为它的脚当时被压着了，因为血液不循环而发黑，像是穿上了黑袜子。不过它的生命力很强，也是三只当中最亲近小肥肥的。我会特别特别疼爱这只小袜子。你要快高长大噢，长大了要会保护自己，别给同伴们欺负了。乖。
a phase
抑郁了一个晚上，但今早心情转好。没什么，只是昨晚想不开，今早忽然暂时想通而已。可诗说得对。这只是某个阶段罢了。纵然暂时停止思考，但我知道原来的我始终会回来。只是累了，所以选择性让脑袋休息一段日子。毕业以后，我必须要更不一样，要让脑袋像以前一样努力地转动，让思绪和灵感源源不绝。我就是要这样子。因为想念着虽然烦恼但是脑海满满的感觉。
random
how much shall i pay for the peace in mind. am so distressed for the sake of so-called goals and achievements and responsibilities, and to fulfill and to complete the tasks and orders being assigned.
there is no way i shall complaining here. its just barely the fault of weak willpower. and i am started to worry, and afraid for what is awaited ahead, yet still wandering around games and movies.
by the way, i have recalled how i cope with fear and hatred when facing situations that im unwilling to face. i just remember how and it helps a lot, on every saturday when i am so reluctant to teach.
p.s. just lost two little precious hammies. it is sad.
小仓鼠日记 26022010
一只小娃娃死了。身体的颜色转淡，不再像它的兄弟姐妹般粉嫩。刚开始无法接受，直到用一把尺轻轻地触碰它都没有反应，我也只好接受了。也不懂小肥肥知道她的孩子死了没，但我看她似乎和我一样伤心。忍不住哭了。
很惋惜这样小的生命这样短。
其实我该勇敢吗
今晚头疼得厉害。是偏头痛吧。
学习和计划是我目前不断努力着的事。而又有某种默想，偷偷地在心里滋长。我该不该让其茁壮成长，抑或遏制它的滋长。噢。人总是无聊地矛盾地挣扎着一些不懂值不值得烦恼的事。
洁癖的人
第一次在现实生活中遇到患有洁癖的人，除了好笑以外，也起鸡皮疙瘩。你无法想象她用了多少的纸巾去擦净桌面，而且还把送来的每一道菜一一排列，有够整齐兼干净。我想十五分钟以后我离开餐馆的时候她依然不停地擦。噢。很难理解她如果她进我的闺房会休克没。
空。虚
是否真的因为没有信仰所以我如此茫然和无助。把信念放挂在哪里才会踏实。原本崇尚空无，但空无也真掏空我本来饱满的心灵以致如今人生意义也枯竭凡是觉得了无生趣。我也曾经依托过知识与思想奈何不知怎地渐行渐远因为心静不下来。
不倒翁
心老是觉得沉重。不去想不代表不存在。而我也只能一再用玩乐逃避。然到了今天，才发现就算逃避也要有资格和本钱。逛街购物吃喝玩乐的确能忘记很多很多的烦恼，但同时候又觉得内疚和惭愧。当不同程度的压力从四方逼来，不但无法忘记烦恼反而更甚。
责任在身，该负的使命。我是个孩子，是个学生，是个老师，还有更多。有没有能力都好，这个家总是要撑住。但所向往的却又偏离责任。而情绪始终起伏不定，就算想申诉也怕别人厌了倦了，甚至眼泪不住地流可能还要让人不耐烦地对你还说面目可憎。是的。多少次答应过自己不会再在人面前哭泣。我该是坚强的硬朗的不认输的。如果我从此不掉泪，你们能对我改观吗。
想改变，也以为已经改了，但原来没有。始终没有受到肯定。或许我从来没有为自己生存过，因为从小只一味的想符合别人的期望，在意别人的看法。如若硬说我是个我行我素的人，我也是当中最不潇洒的独行侠。毕竟，我在乎。只觉得最近投来的都是异样的眼光。我是不是行为举止都很怪异。是，不是？
累了就休息。所以把家里的学生都转给老师教了。至少压力的单列上除去了一项。希望在毕业以前我能够理智地完成该做的事。其余的，就算了。
贪玩的后果
手提电脑再度中毒。都怪自己贪玩，也怪魔鬼的诱骗，骗我有大富翁这个这样好玩的游戏。奈何人心不足蛇吞象，下载了大富翁4不够，还妄想要有大富翁8，结果下载了很多可爱的病毒下来，电脑终于瘫痪了，桌前一片黑暗。
漆黑一片，该找谁保佑我一大堆为完成的作业，谁担保我前途的光明，谁帮助我消磨空余又不想做功课的时间。而里头重要的一切都还没备份下来，你们能感受到我锥心之痛吗。完了，什么都完了。很纳闷。
附注：谁可以教我format电脑，以防下一次再被病毒侵袭，我能亲自治疗我的宝贝，也省下了一些维修费。
你们听得见吗
我记得小时候就不断想离开家里。因此可以的话都尽量活跃于课外活动或补习。只要爸爸不在家的那一天，家中的气氛会马上舒缓下来，我也能暂时放下重量。终于到了中学住进宿舍，这样的距离反而让我们相处得更愉快，而我也会更想家。可是近年来，你们的管制变本加厉。每一天我都计算着回家的时间。我不想这样。我明白是因为发生了很多事情让你们如此神经质地绑着我，但这有用吗。这样只会让我越来越叛逆，反弹力更大。这样的控制欲和占有欲，让我很矛盾，离开得不心安理得，离开得很内疚。多希望有一天你们能让我不再担心你们，像其他父母般，放手让孩子去闯荡，而你们还是能快快乐乐的度过晚年。
我说过，我爱你们，我会照顾你们，我不会离开你们，为什么你们不相信？
我曾经是个大学生
大学毕业只是人生其中一个驿站。不知道有没有翘了三分一的课，但我知道我确实浪费了头两年的时间。而这被浪费掉的时间，我忙着忧郁，流泪，闹别扭，发脾气。也并非什么都没学，只是学到的都是课程以外，讲师不教的道理。而我也忘了好好的和同班三年的同学打交道。于是，我们依然维持在同学的关系，而非朋友。说到朋友，我几乎一无所有。始终在身边，还是中学的老朋友们。是是非非也总会烟消云散，时间也总会冲淡这一切。我会忘记这里，忘记你们。是我不想承认也好，还是害怕再度深陷谷底，反正我不会再想遇到你们。我知道毕业典礼只是个让我更难受的仪式。我预想那一天所有让我难受又不想看到的可能。因此为保自己不开心，我会躲开，我会缺席。
因此在这里没有可以眷恋的事，一样都没有。我只想快点毕业，快点离开，虽然我不否认对于未来还是会害怕。
驿站
希望在这里，我依然喜欢写一些字。
someone said something
"i was told that i'm smart, but i'm restricted by my gender. so maybe i should get a penis sometime soon. "
i am so amazed by this quote written by one of my former classmates in her facebook. cant wait to share here. haha.
call it a day
my brain will soon explode like a bomb, with all those to-do, to-solve, to-accomplish so blended in mind that I do not have a clue on where and how to start. and so i just lay upon the bed, dreaming of a cup of ice peach tea.
i have the teabags ready, just too lazy to make myself one. so '@'
强迫症吗
我一直以来看书和弹钢琴都会莫名地感到压迫。那是一种读不完，弹不完的感觉，而我总是贪心又刻求完美，因此心里负担就更重了。
要说书的话，书类繁多。有些书，不尽然看得懂，也不一定想看，但还是逼自己去看。那么多类种，我却野心很大想样样都涉猎其中。所以很累，也一直觉得时间不够。但其实这样囫囵吞枣，我觉得并没有真正的充实自己。只是，我控制不了。老实说最近很少看书了。除了懊恼，心里那种压迫又频频出现了。
至于钢琴，自古至今，音乐家们的作品同样的多不胜数。出于好胜心，我会想把它们都学下来，至少重要的大作，一定要会。然而就是技术有限，今天为止也只能弹了那么一点。
人能知道的其实有限。我不清楚为什么自己一直会妄想要学会全部事情。浩瀚啊，就把我的野心压下来了。结果我还是很平庸。
蔡康永
最近迷上了蔡康永。虽然这一点都不像我，但着实我学会了看杂志，看综艺节目，听流行歌曲。
说不上为什么。
康熙来了小s相当具争议性吧，但其实我要看的是蔡康永。于是疯狂起来就去找了他的生平简介背景，还有，他的博客，和书。他的文字让我觉得很到位，我是说，真能说中自己想说说不出的情怀。而且文字简单并不忸怩。
只是，还是很讨厌自己对演艺圈有一定的偏见。如果他后来没有涉入这行就好。
我记得
我记得我们在游乐场的时候野餐到下起了大雨还不愿避雨的时候
我记得我最重要的钢琴考试你同时候也牺牲了你重要的大半的大考时间
我记得你老远从我家走路出去买回了我很想吃的东西虽然我觉得你好傻
我记得我们到了美丽的河边而一路上你无法也不敢牵起我的手
我记得钢琴边你倾听的模样我无法忘怀的第一次悸动
我记得你受伤的样子还得安慰不停哭泣的我
我记得那一朵你种的太阳花虽然不算盛开但就是令人感动
我记得我要求了会唱歌的太阳花你真的找到了还附上香槟和一支大太阳花
我记得你弹奏的生日快乐虽然没有满分可是我就是爱听
我记得，我们彼此承诺不轻易放弃。
所以我打算忘了你的从前。
打算放过你难免贮存着的回忆。
打算从此选择信任你。
忘记是好事
之前毅然把两个部落格删掉了，忽然很想重新翻看，所以有一点后悔。但我知道，我因此逃过了忧郁的一劫。天知道每一次的回想，都是一个陷阱。那么不留痕迹的，也许，我是真能慢慢遗忘。很好。我又不后悔了。哈哈。
新年了咯
结果还是破功了。本来减肥当中在深夜里吃tomyam泡面是件很错的事，但想想明明就是新年嘛，既然那么安静地一个人度过，好歹也吃吃东西饱一饱肚嘛。是啦，我很满足啦。算是庆祝了。
我望着我的scrabble 和象棋。我好想玩，可是没人陪我玩。
我又忽然很想打乒乓，可是没人和我对打。
哎哟。
nagging before the year ends
there is always a big plan at the year end. so do i, very well planned for next year, somehow too much tiny things to bother about, which is definitely putting me into worries and nerves everytime i think about them. i have foreseen the future, and that is how i plan my ways before, and it never fails me, except when my mentality is weak.
goals are set in several aspects, just as how the advertising campaigns i have been doing throughout the years.
copywriting, piano and violin, teaching, english as in spoken and written, read-ups and arts.
and to keep myself calm all time
and to stop complaining
and to stop angrying
and to stop depressing
and to start loving, family, dear and friends.
and there, i am preparing to the island city. this might not be the best choice of where to go after graduate, but i need to begin somewhere else. for i know how demanding is the field i will be committing in, and i understand how much more i need to improve, i have to give out hardwork, and endurance. i was once told that i need to see the world, explore something new, so that i will not depressed, anymore.
for a thousand time, i wish to be happy once more. it is getting better anyway, but i want more. happy new year. i expect new life ahead.